Complicated Heart
by Blue Topaz
Summary: Sam was taken as a prisoner off-world and got another memory stamp. **PART 18: 'End Of A Dream'**NOW COMPLETED** Horay!!!
1. Love is Simple

TITLE : Complicated Heart 

AUTHOR: Blue Topaz

EMAIL: blue-topaz@lycos.com

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Drama, Romance

PAIRING: Sam/Jack 

SEASONS: Any seasons with Daniel in it.

SEQUEL: Thread of Destiny

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, WorldGekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended. 

Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission. Copyright by Blue Topaz, 2002

---

AN: This story is a sequel to my other fic 'Thread of Destiny', it will clear a few things up if you have read it ... :). But if you ignore the background of this story, you can read it as a stand alone story. You can read the 'Thread of Destiny' at

www.geocities.com/bluetopazfic/tod.htm

**---**

**Part 1: Love is Simple**

Oh puh-lease. 

I don't even know why I read this stupid magazine, someone left it on the commissary table and I just picked it up out of my boredom. It has this Q&A section and the title caught my eyes. I throw the magazine in disgust and knock Daniel's tray in the process. Ups, I forgot that he's here, and he looks at me.

"Sam?" Daniel seems concerned about my behaviour. We're having our breakfast together.

"Yes Daniel?" I ask innocently.

"Uhm, nothing." That's why I love him so much, he knows when not to ask stupid questions, "Out of curiosity though, what did the magazine do to you to deserve that?" ... maybe I spoke too soon. 

I shrug, "Nothing." I play around with my fork and left-over pie on my plate.

Daniel takes the magazine and flicks through it. He stops on one of the pages.

"Love is simple." He reads the sentence.

Daniel is smart, too smart for his own good.

"Understatement of the century, don't you think?" I tell him exactly what I feel about it.

He frowns, "Is it because of your relationship with him?"

He doesn't have to say who 'him' is, we both know. 

"Daniel, can you really say that we're in a relationship?" I try to sound neutral.

He smiles, "It depends on your definition of what 'relationship' is."

"What's your definition?"

"Me? Come on Sam, it's got nothing to do with me.", he teases me.

"Look Daniel, forget about it, okay? I just don't see the truth in the statement." I'm really not in the mood to talk about this, I get up from my chair.

"Sam.", he grabs my arm, effectively stopping me from walking away from him.

I look at him questioningly. 

"Love is simple ... it's the heart that makes it complicated.", he smiles and then lets go of my arm. His words hit me hard, he's right.

---

I love him, he loves me. It is simple.

So what makes it complicated? Is it really my heart? The heart that says fighting the Goa'uld is more important than being together? The heart that says my planet needs me more than I need my own happiness? The heart that says I can wait for that 'someday'? The very same heart that also says I want more now?

I still remember every word that he said and not said when he asked me to wait for 'us'. I cherish that moment, the one moment in my life where I first realised how good it was to be wanted and loved by the man I love. I take out the ribbon from my wallet, the ribbon that he gave me in Boru. I run my finger over the characters, 'Love', 'Luck' and 'Destiny'. Can I have it all?

"Carter?", his voice wakes me up from my self-interrogation.

I tilt my head up to see him standing in my lab's doorway, and automatically I smile, "Hi Sir."

He returns the smile and walks towards me, "What ya doin'?"

"Nothing important really, just doing some reports on our last mission." I half-lie to him. I was in the middle of writing the reports when the conversation with Daniel this morning decided to distract me. My laptop is still in front of me.

"Oh ..." he raised his eyebrows, " can I borrow it when you finish with it?"

I let out a small laugh and shake my head in amusement, "Only if you give me what you've been promising me for the last 3 months." He always has his way with me and I don't mind. Not at all.

"3 months? Has it been 3 months already?" he asks in disbelief.

"Yes, 3 months since you promised me the picture, 2 months since the deadline that I gave you, and I'm still waiting." I say patiently. 

"Look Carter, can we just forget about this."

"No way, Sir. I did say that I wanted this more than anything."

"It wasn't my fault that I actually got shot again, was it?" That was the reason why I still haven't got the picture. On our first mission after he recovered from his injury, we encountered some not so friendly natives. So, he picked up another injury and my picture had to wait again.

"But you are fully recovered now, aren't you?" 

"Well, yeah. But ... "

I raise my hand to stop him talking, "I don't want to hear any reason. I want it by tomorrow."

"Hey, I'm still your commanding officer you know? You can not just give me an ultimatum like that." He challenges me.

I can't hold back a grin, "Wanna bet?"

His eyes are narrowed, "What do you got on your little sneaky mind, Major?"

"You don't want me to spread rumours around the base that Jack O'Neill wore a sarong, do you?" I present him with a smug grin.

"You wouldn't dare." He threatens me, but I know him good enough not to take it seriously. 

"I'll do anything necessary to get what I want." 

He throws his hands in defeat, "Fine, fine. You'll get it tomorrow."

Finally, 3 months worth of waiting will pay off. He smiles when he sees the ribbon on the desk.

"You still have it." 

I look at his eyes, "Yeah. It helps remind me of ... things."

"Good things?"

"Good things." 

We just stare at each other for some time. No words are exchanged, we're just sharing the feelings, the affection that chases away all my doubts. Daniel is right, love is simple.

He breaks the silence, "Can I ask you something now that you're going to get what you wanted?"

"Sure."

"Can I borrow your mission report when you finish writing it?"

***

Larry was furious, Wagner had ruined all his plans. The SGC was aware of his intentions now, he had to plan his next step very carefully. It's true what people said, if you want to get a job done, you have to do it yourself. The treaty with the Hailan was going well, his employee had no reasons to let O'Neill live another day. Earth will get the naquada and he will get rid of O'Neill.

Larry took out his mobile phone and dialled up some numbers, "This is Larry, get me Senator Kinsey."

***

blue-topaz@lycos.com


	2. Late Night Visitor

**Part 2: Late Night Visitor**

_Click._

What was that? My eyes snap open. Someone is downstairs, breaking into my house. What time is it? Glancing at my digital alarm clock next to my bed, it shows 02.47. Robbers these days!! Can't they pick a decent time to do their thing? Any time when I'm not sleeping? I'll show them who they're messing with.

Hesitantly, I leave the warmth of my bed and head towards my closet where the rock-solid baseball bat rested. I've always wanted to use one of these, I guess now it's the time. By the sound of the footsteps, the intruder is getting closer. Gripping at the bat tightly with both hands, I wait next to my door. 

The door opens slowly, concealing my body from the intruder. As soon as I see a head, I swing the bat hard. The next thing I know ... I am pinned down on the floor by a familiar figure. The moonlight from my bedroom window shines on the intruder's face.

"Carter, what on Earth did you do that for?" he hisses.

Yep, it's the Colonel alright. Asking the obvious question when I'm the one who's supposed to ask the question.

"Me? Oh you know ... just doing my job as a good citizen, cracking the head of an INTRUDER." I hissed at him back and then add innocently, "What about you?"

"Uh ... yeah right. Sorry, my mistake." 

He gets up and offers his hand to help me, I take it and pull myself up. I put my hands on my waist and wait for his explaination, I must admit that I'm not a nice person when I have my sleep interrupted. He looks at me uncomfortably.

"You might want to put something on first." he says sheepishly. I look at the state of my choice of sleeping clothes, a tank top and baggy pants. At least he finds me attractive in these, or else he wouldn't ask me to put something on it. I feel a little bit cold now, the night air is breezing through the open windows. So, I walk to my bed and sneak under the blanket, can't be bothered to do anything else.

"Carter?" he's confused by my actions.

"Look Sir, it's …" I look at the clock, "02.52 in the morning. If you want something from my place, just take it and leave. If you want to drop something, put it on the table and leave. Don't forget to lock the door on your way out. I'm just going to resume my dream and I'm willing to pretend that none of this is happening if you do it quietly." As much as I love to have him in my house, I love my sleep more right now. I pull the blanket up to my neck and am ready to doze off. Ahhhh, the magic of my comfy bed is working right now, I close my eyes.

"Carter." His voice is much closer now. I open my eyes to see a pair of brown eyes just inches from me, he's sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning towards me. His hands are on the bed, trapping me in between while supporting his position.

"What?" I put a pleading tone in my voice, I really need this sleep. 

"I brought your picture with me." He gets this playful childish atmosphere about him that makes him forgivable for whatever he has done.

"You broke into my house to bring the picture you're so eager not to give me?" I smiled weakly, still overwhelmed by the urge to sleep.

"Err ... yes?" he says not-so-confidently.

"Why don't I buy it?"

"Because you know me too well?" 

"I sure do."

He smiles sadly and then I realise that something is wrong, "What is it?" I ask.

"I came to tell you that ..." he hesitates. 

I stretch my hand to his face and stroke it gently, "Go on." 

"Remember when I said that I don't want to keep any secrets from you?"

I nod my head.

"I'm going away for a while."

That surely gets my full attention, sleep is no longer on my mind now.

"What are you saying?"

He strokes my cheek.

"Maybourne showed up at my house earlier."

Damn that man, why can't he just leave us alone.

"What did he say?"

"Kinsey has a new plan, I have to go for a while."

Who else? That creep doesn't know when to stop.

"And you trust Maybourne on this?"

"He might of been a pain in the ass when he was still in the NID, but he's a decent man in his own way. I trust him."

He's right. Maybourne is actually an 'okay' guy once he quit the NID, he did help us twice, with my kidnapping and Teal'c's problems. 

"How long?"

"I don't know. I told Hammond, he said that I should request a personal leave for some time and just disappear. Go to where Kinsey's men won't find me."

"And where is that?"

"I don't know yet. But you can't tell anyone about Maybourne. Not even Teal'c and Daniel. Someone might be watching."

He's going away. 

"And I might not be able to contact you when I'm away. It's too risky."

Unconsciously, my hand moves from his face down to his shirt and grabs it tightly. I don't want him to go, ever.

"Hey, I'm not going to hide, I'm going after Kinsey. Finish all this once and for all ...", he takes a lock of my hair and plays with it, "... and come back to you."

His eyes pierce down to my heart, showing that he meant what he said. He has his own problems and I don't want to be one of them. 

"I will be waiting."

I know that he has to go, more than anything I understand his decision. I've worked with this man for years, his attitude never fails to upset people on and off-world. Kinsey is a dangerous man, he has the power and the money. 

"Thanks. I don't want to go without you knowing the real reason why."

He lowers his head and kisses my forehead. My heart aches, I want more. I put my hands around him and pull him close.

"I will be waiting." Once again I say it. To let him know about my feelings and to reassure myself that he will come back.

to be continued

blue-topaz@lycos.com


	3. The Cayans

**Part 3: The Cayans**

It's not hard to be miserable these days, the Colonel is not here. Which means no one comes by to my lab and distracts me from my work, and I hate it. No one brings me coffee, cookies, orange juice, sandwiches, chocolate bars, comic books, lame jokes, yoyos, GameBoy and the list goes on and on. Don't get me wrong, I like the stuff that he brought along to my lab, but I miss him more. It's disturbingly quiet and gives me a sense of loss.

Daniel and Teal'c were surprised when General Hammond broke the news, but they seemed to take it well. I pretended to be shocked but I don't think that I'd fooled those guys, and to their credit, they didn't press the matter. SG-1 is on downtime until the Colonel is back, but we'll be assisting other teams if they have any problems. That suits us well, I have some gizmos to play with (it's fun!!), Daniel has some translation as always, and Teal'c has a 3 box-set of The Simpsons to go through (the Colonel thinks that the Simpsons is the true representation of an American family, and Teal'c being Teal'c, trusts him and borrowed his Simpson's videos.). 

I take a deep breath, I have a piece of alien technology laying in front of me. SG-7 brought this back from P9Y T81, and the natives of this planet (they call themselves the Cayans) are almost on the same level of technology as we are, but they found some alien technology from one of their 'archaeological' sites. They found 6 metal boxes with writings and buttons on them but they couldn't figure them out. So when Major Gibbs explained that we (the SGC) had more experience in dealing with aliens' gadgets than they did (the Cayans had only put the gate in use and began exploring the 'outside' world for about 6 Earth months), they let SG-7 borrow one of the metal boxes. 

Daniel had pointed out that the writing is Ancient's but he couldn't read it, because he never encountered the variation of the writing before. From the brief history lesson that the Cayans gave SG-7, they were taken by the Goa'uld and used as miners for the naquada mines. After the naquada ran out, they were left on the planet. Several decades later, an Ancient came through the Stargate and lived among them, sharing some of his wisdom with them, and that is why the Cayans are as advanced as they are now. Daniel argued that if the Ancient hadn't interfered with their development, the Cayans most likely would be in the same stage of evolution as the people of Abydos. The archaeological site where they found the metal box is believed to be the secret lab of the Ancient.

I strip the box and have a good look inside. The components that it has are consistent with the DHD and naquada generators, it is an Ancient's technology after all. Slowly, I open the cylinder that is supposed to be the core. Hmm, it is a naquada-based generator, but it doesn't seem to generate energy now. I change the core, laser, probe, electrocute, poke, stare and do everything possible that I can think of (short of actually losing it and giving the core a good smack with a hammer) and it's still ... not working. It's supposed to do something, the electrometer showed that it was emitting something, a radiation of some sort. Times like these make me miss the Colonel most, at least when he's here I can divert my frustration to him (he is more frustrating than anything I've ever faced, but in a good way). Speaking of the Colonel, where is he now? It's been 3 days and it feels like forever ... is he alright? 

"Sam." I turn my head to see Daniel and Teal'c are at the door.

"Hi guys." I can always use a break from this.

"Wanna get some dinner?" Dinner? What time is it already? I look at my watch, it's 19.52. I guess the box took quite a lot of my time.

"Yes, sure. I'm just going to tidy this up a bit."

"You need help?" Daniel walks towards me, Teal'c follows behind him.

"No, I'm alright. Have you made any progress with the translations?" I reassemble the box, and accidentally my finger pushes one of the buttons.

_Wham_

What was that? Teal'c was thrown back, hit the wall and slumped down to the floor, like he was knocked by something.

"Teal'c? Are you alright?" I quickly run to his side.

"I am fine, Major Carter." The Jaffa gets up to his feet.

"What was that?" Daniel asks in confusion.

"I do not know. There was an invisible force that stuck me." Teal'c explained.

"Sam?" Daniel turns to me for an answer.

"Don't look at me." What? Because this happened in my lab then automatically I'm supposed to know the answer?

Daniel looked thoughtful for a while, "... maybe it has something to do with that?", he points at the alien device that gave me enough headaches for a week. 

"... maybe." I say. Yes, let's just blame it on the alien box.

" ... I haven't actually finished the translations yet but one of the words that I could make out from that is 'protection'."

"And ... ?" That is too cryptic, I need more information.

He ignores my question, "Teal'c, try to get closer to the box, but do it slowly."

Teal'c raises one of his eyebrows, but does what Daniel asked him to do anyway. He walks slowly towards the box, he doesn't have to go far, after he takes about two steps forward, he is stopped by something. An invisible barrier.

"Forcefield ..." I think outloud.

"Yes, just like I thought. This is a forcefield, to give protection from the Goa'uld." Daniel smiles.

Okay, let me get it straight. I have made it work all this time? Great, I just have to make an important mental note today, don't forget to use a Goa'uld or Jaffa as one of the testing equipment in association with alien technology for further references (it could save me loads of time).

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You made it work?" A pair of wide eyes stare at me in excitement.

"Uhm ... yes. The core of the generator is made by naquada. My guess is that the original naquada in the core had lost its power after thousands of years, and all you have to do to make it work is replace the naquada." 

"I see." The owner of the eyes speaks. Her name is Servit, one of the Cayan's council members, "If you would like to excuse me, I have to inform the others about this good news."

"Yes, of course."

She raises one of her hands and a man steps forward, "This is Malib, he will be your guide in Cayan. Please do explore our world and get to know us better."

"If you don't mind, we would like to see the chamber where you found the boxes." Daniel's been nagging about that ever since he heard that we were going to Cayan. The forcefield was very good news, if we could understand how it works, we might be able to generate a giant barrier for the whole Earth. 

"Yes, Malib will take you there."

"Thank you."

She pardoned herself and then disappeared behind one of the doors. We are in a common room of the Cayan's version of city council. Teal'c and Captain Hike are securing the perimeter near the gate, while Daniel and I are with the rest of SG-7, performing our duty as Earth's representatives.

"I will take you to Abel's chamber." Malib says.

Abel is the name of the Ancient.

"Major Carter, I'd like to stay in the city. To get to know the people better." Gibbs asks. If we want to have a diplomatic relationship with these people, we have to know them through and through. 

"Sure, bring Trance with you. Barlow, you're with us." I give the orders.

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Can we go now?" Daniel is eager to get there soon.

"Yes, Daniel. We can go now." Now I know why the Colonel has grey hair.

****************************************************

"She can make the device work."

"Then she is the Redeemer."

"What if she refuses?"

"I sensed unhappiness in her."

"Do you know what she wanted?"

"I have to spend more time with her to clear the vision."

"Granted."

"She has the wisdom. We need her."

"We shall make an offer that she can not refuse."

"You haven't answered my question, what if she refuses?"

"... Then we will perform the 'Havus'."

"But it is forbidden."

"We need her. It's my final decision."

****************************************************

Jack O'Neill looked up to the dark Washington night sky. He could not see the stars but he knew that she was there, somewhere. Maybourne had an access to NID files, and NID has an access to SGC. He knew her every step, he just wished that he could be there with her. Maybourne's plan was working, Kinsey's men wouldn't ever think of looking for him here. Washington is Kinsey's home, Maybourne even managed to get a house just miles away from Kinsey's house. The most dangerous place is the safest.

He just wanted to get back to her soon. But he had to be patient, he had to nail Kinsey for good this time. He watched the sky again and whispered gently, "Night, Carter." And then he walked inside the house and closed the door.

****************************************************

to be continued

AN: Please do send review and feedback as always.

blue-topaz@lycos.com


	4. Without Him

**Part 4: Without Him**

"Are you happy with your life?"

I look at the woman in annoyance, way beyond annoyance actually. She's been plastering me all day with very personal questions, and I mean VERY personal. Now I know why the Colonel has such a sarcasm in him, it's hard not to. And me, being in his shoes now, finding it difficult not to practise his art of diplomacy. 

"Yes, Servit. I couldn't be more happier with my life." Fighting some overdressed psychos on a daily basis, have a man that's labelled 'don't touch but you can look', have a friend with a snake in his belly, have a FATHER with a snake in his head, don't forget I once HAD a snake in my head, oh yeah, I couldn't be more happier with my life. See, I bet only a few of you have more interesting lives than mine.

She shakes her head.

"You are not being honest."

I raise my eyebrow ala Teal'c, "What makes you say that?"

She smiles, "I have the ability."

Okaaaayyyy, "Ability to do what?"

"To sense deceptions."

"What do you mean?" This alien is not only frustrating but also very confusing. If only she wasn't one of the Grand members (the Cayan's bureaucrats), I would've made my escape long ago.

She closes her eyes, "I have what your people call ... telepathic power."

Great, just what I need, a frustratingly annoying and confusing alien who has a psychic ability, the Colonel would be thrilled if he were here, "You mean ... you can read my mind?"

"Not exactly, but I can sense your feelings."

Now, that's just saying it in different way, "Prove it." I challenge her.

"You don't trust me?" She asks.

"I'm a scientist Servit, I look at things based on facts, on evidence."

She smiles again, "What if I say that there is someone in your life. Someone who is very dear to you."

I'm so not gonna fall for that one, "Everybody has someone important in their life."

"Yes, but he is constantly on your mind. You've been connecting everything you see and hear to him. He is supposed to be here with you, but for some reason he is not. I believe you referred to him as ... the Colonel and yet it is not his name ... curious."

Either the rest of my team and SG-7 are big-mouthed or she really could read my mind.

She senses my doubt, "Your people did not say anything about him. It was your feelings that gave it away. Such a strong emotion, it's not hard to miss."

Yes, she could read my mind. I frown, "Look, I'm not sure what your culture thinks about this, but for us, what you did is a violation to privacy."

"Privacy?"

"Yes, it is someone's right to be free from an unsanctioned intrusion." 

"Are you saying that my ability is an intrusion?"

"Yes." I almost shout there.

"Then I must apologise. However, my ability is not something that I have control of, it is just there. It's like hearing voices with my ears, only I can not plug the ears."

She's got a point there. 

"Okay, you are right, you can't help it. But I will be grateful if you don't talk about what you sense from me with anyone else."

She nods her head, "I understand." 

I'm glad we covered that, "Does everybody in Cayan have the same ability as yours?" I really need to ask this.

"No, only the Chosen ones have the privilege to inherit this ability."

"And how many of the Chosen ones are there in Cayan?" I need names, so that I can avoid them.

"There are three of us and because of this ability we were made Grand."

"Are you saying that all the Grands have this ability?"

"Yes. It helps us in dealing with our people."

Great, all I have to do is stay away from the Grands, and it will be very easy because I'm in command of this mission. Just peachy. Wait a minute ... peachy? Did I just use that word? Man, I think more and more like the Colonel these days and it's kinda spooky, nice kind of spooky.

"You are thinking about him again." 

Oops, I forgot that there is a mind reader with me. 

"Yes." There's no point in lying.

She gives me an odd look, "Is it because of him that you are unhappy?"

This is exactly the kind of conversation that I don't want to have with a complete stranger.

"Don't get me wrong, but I'm not entirely comfortable discussing this matter with you."

"Yes, of course. My apology."

Major Gibbs suddenly appears in the door, "Major Carter, we're ready to leave now."

"Ah, yes. Have you got anything that you need with you?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'll walk you back to the gate." I turn to Servit, "Please excuse me."

"Yes, of course."

Daniel wanted to stay in Cayan to study Abel's chamber in more depth and General Hammond had granted his request, beside the Cayan's Grands had also shown interest in making an alliance with us. So SG-7 will go back to the SGC today, bringing all the readings and mineral samples that we've took while SG-1 will remain here. Gibbs and I walk side by side through the city on our way to the Stargate.

"Gibbs, I want your honest opinion."

He looks at me questioningly, "About what?"

I look around the city, it seems like a normal one, but there's something that is definitely odd here, "What do you think about these people?"

He sighs, "I'm not sure Major. They seemed normal, but they were too ... cautioned."

"The Grands can read minds."

Gibbs is surprised by my revelation, "Are you sure?"

"Servit told me."

"And you trust her?"

"She read mine." I tell him matter-of-factly

He is silenced for a while, "This is not good."

"Ya think?" Yep, I definitely sound more and more like the Colonel.

Gibbs chuckles for a while, "Colonel O'Neill rubbed off on you, huh?"

"Can't blame me for that. Even Teal'c and Daniel got a pinch of his sarcasm."

"Dear God, he infected every member of his team. Remind me not to let my kids near him, would you Ma'am?"

We grin at that, "Don't worry Major, you have to spend at least 5 years with him to join the rest of SG-1 in our incurable stage."

"Oh no, Major. He needs 5 years time with the three of you because you're strong. Hike, Trance and Barlow are still innocent, give the Colonel 5 minutes and I'll have a team of mini Jack O'Neill's on my hands. Every team leader's nightmare." He pretends to shudder.

"It sure is."

"Is there anything else that you want me to relay to the General, Major?"

"Just tell him what I've told you."

"Got it."

We walk in silence for a while.

"Hey, you want to do some more dishing on your CO while he isn't here? We'll take turns." Gibbs offers. The Stargate is still quite far.

I think about his proposal for a while ... might as well do that. Sorry Colonel, but this is your own fault, you are not here.

"What you got?" 

Gibbs laughs, "Okay, I heard it from one of the SF. Apparently, he's a closet romantic."

I've already known that, "Really? What gave it away?"

"The SF heard him humming a love song in the shower."

This is new. I couldn't stifle a giggle, "He sings?", it's definitely a picture that I have to see.

"Not singing, just humming."

"Did the SF say what song?"

"It's 'Crazy', you know, the one that Julio Iglesias sings."

I have to chuckle at that, mmm ... maybe I can blackmail him to sing that song for me. That would make my day.

"Your turn." Gibbs says.

Mmm, which of the Colonel's secrets are safe to go round the SGC rumour mills?

"He thinks that Homer Simpson is the greatest American ever."

Gibbs winces at that, "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"What makes him think that?"

"Beats me."

I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Not that I wanted to know anyway ... okay that was just a pure white lie. I am ANXIOUS to know, but he kept tight lips on that matter.

"Your turn." I say.

"Okay ... he had a tattoo on his ...", Gibbs clears his throat, " rear ..." , he pauses, "of a white dove." 

Oh Boy, this is good, really good. Why haven't I thought about doing this before? 

************************************

"I have the vision."

"Then we will do it soon."

"Are you sure that this is wise?"

"We need her."

"Our time is running out."

************************************

"Maybourne, we've been here for almost a week now, come on. Hack into his computer, do some snooping, get something out, just do something." Jack O'Neill was not a happy camper. He had a bad feeling, the instinctive nudge that said something was wrong, very wrong. 

"Jack, Kinsey is not stupid, it's not that easy." Maybourne snapped. He's been trying so hard to get back at Kinsey, he used him and then let him rot in that jail. If Jack hadn't given him a chance, he would still be there. That was one of the reasons why he warned him about Kinsey's plan. He quite liked Jack actually, not that he would tell him that. 

Jack knew this, but he couldn't help himself. He paced around the room, "Look ... maybe we're looking in the wrong direction."

Maybourne adverted his gaze from the computer screen to him, "I'm listening."

"Tell me about Larry."

"Nothing much, he's a free agent, Kinsey occasionally used him. Rumors said that he never failed to do his job ... until Wegner."

"So ... this is what? He wants to tie up a loose end?"

Maybourne sighed, "Jack, you're not a loose end, you're a pain in the ass."

"OY."

"Are you denying this?"

Jack said nothing, "Let's get back to the problem. Where can we find Larry?"

"Why do you want to find him?"

"He might have something that we can use to get at Kinsey."

"You're right. Larry is a professional, he must have something as an insurance in case Kinsey turns his back on him. I'll check it immediately."

Maybourne concentrated back to his computer while Jack muttered under his breath, "I'm always right."

"Did you say something?" Maybourne asked, his eyes were still fixed to the screen.

"Nothing."

************************************

to be continued

AN: Mmm, the story goes beyond my initial idea. Tell me what you think about it anyway ... :). Please do send reviews and feedbacks as always.

blue-topaz@lycos.com


	5. Love Than Can Not Exist

**Part 5: Love That Can Not Exist**

"Unauthorized off-world activation."

Sgt. Davis announced through the intercom.

"Do we have a team due back, Sgt.?" General Hammond had just walked inside the gateroom.

"No, Sir." Davids replied.

"Receiving an IDC ... it's the Abydosian Sir."

"Open the iris." 

Dozens of SF were ready to greet whoever came through the gate down the ramp when two familiar figures walked out from the blue shimmering puddle.

"Stand down." The General ordered, he then quickly ran down to the gateroom.

"Dr. Jackson, Teal'c, what happened? Where's Major Carter?" 

Daniel looked pale, it was Teal'c who answered, "General Hammond, the Cayans have taken Major Carter as a prisoner. We have to go back to P9Y T81 and liberate her."

Hammond didn't like the sound of that, he barked some orders, "I need to hear the whole story. We'll debrief immediately. Someone get a MALP and SG-3 ready for a rescue operation." 

*******************************************

There are 3 people in the room. Well ... it's 4 if you count me. Servit is one of them, I guess they are the Grands.

"Major Carter, we are sorry for this inconvenience." Servit breaks the silence between us.

Inconvenience? They call this an inconvenience?

"Please don't be angry." One of the other Grands says.

I look at them, "Who are you? And what do you want with me?"

"My name is Hunsa, I am the leader of the Grands. And this is Ba'ek, one of the Grands and of course you already know Servit."

Oh great, a bunch of mind readers.

"What do you want?" My diplomatic mood is definitely on a switch-off mode.

Servit walks towards me, "We need your help."

"You have a funny way to show it."

"Please." She pleades, "listen to what we have to say first."

I sigh, I guess I don't really have much of a choice, do I? I just hope that Daniel and Teal'c are alright.

"Don't worry, your friends are unharmed. We let them go through the Great Ring."

I really have to get used to the fact that they can read my mind.

"Okay, what do you want?"

Hunsa, the leader, approaches me. He raises his hand, I can see that he has something that suspiciously looks like the ribbon device. Instinctively, I step back, "That is a Goa'uld ribbon device, isn't it?" I ask warily.

"No, this is Abel's stone. Please relax and look at the stone." He answers.

"Why would I do that?"

Servit is the one who answers, "Please just do as he says. After that, we will tell you everything."

These people are weird, but they did say that they need my help, I guess the stone won't be dangerous.

I take a step forward and stare at the stone ... 

And I wait ... it's supposed to do something.

I wait ...

Nothing. 

And wait ...

Still staring at the stupid stone ...

It's quite a beautiful stone actually, it has a color like I've never seen before. Mixture between green and blue, wonder what it's made of, maybe a cross between sapphire and ...

"Carter."

That voice, I know that voice anywhere. I turn my head and gasp at the figure in front of me.

"Sir ..." 

I am totally shocked, why is he here? He's wearing jeans, white T-shirt and the black leather jacket that he loves so much. What's going on here? 

"How ..."

Before I could say anything else, he launches himself towards me and holds me close, one of his hands is on my back while the other runs through my hair. Sensation rushes through my system, shutting down my senses, all I can feel is him. 

"I'm tired, Carter." He whispers in my ear.

I'm confused, "Of what, Sir?"

"Of dreaming."

"Dreaming?"

"Yes ... dreaming about the love that can not exist."

Did he just say that? I don't believe this, I pull out from his embrace, "It DOES exist Sir, we just can't act upon it."

His eyes look straight into mine, "Don't kid yourself Carter, our love is only a dream ... and when you dream you will miss what's in front of you."

Okaaay, this is strange. He looks like the Colonel, smells likes the Colonel, sounds likes the Colonel, warm like the Colonel, Hell, even his eyes are the Colonel's eyes, but he doesn't speak like him.

"Who are you?" I distance myself from him.

There's pain in his eyes when I ask the question.

"It's me, Carter."

I shake my head, "I don't believe you. The Colonel would never say something like that."

"I might never of said something like that, but it doesn't mean that I don't think about it."

That's true and it hurts. It really does hurt.

"What do you want then?" I ask him the question that I don't want to know the answer to. I can feel moisture in my eyes.

He reaches towards me and once again pulls me into his embrace, "I want you to give us a chance."

"I do give us a chance Sir."

He puts a hand on my chin and lifts up my head so that our gazes meet.

"I want you to give us a chance ... now."

He's asking the impossible, "We both agreed that now is not a good time."

"Now is perfect, Carter. Trust me."

I can feel teardrops fall from my eyes, "I can't."

He is wounded by my words, and he is choked when he asks me, "Why?" 

"Because no matter how much I want to say yes ... " 

I knew it from the moment I saw him in this room ... I knew it, but it still hurts. 

"... you're just a figment of my imagination."

*******************************************

"She is strong."

"She resists her own desire."

"Maybe we should try again tomorrow."

"Yes."

"We should perform the 'Havus' immediately."

"I do not want to do that."

"This is our continuity we're talking about."

"We cannot do it without you."

"When is the next attack schedule?"

"In about 56 planet cycles."

"We have to act quickly."

*******************************************

"... we were escorted to the gate while they took Major Carter elsewhere. They had confiscated our weapons and IDC, that was why we gate to Abydos instead of Earth." Teal'c explained the situation to the General. 

"There were just too many of them General, we were taken by surprise." Daniel added.

"Do you have any idea why they took Major Carter?"

"I don't know Sir."

"I also do not know the reason why, General Hammond. But I do know this for certain, we must return.."

The General sighed, "I know this too Teal'c. But we cannot form a wormhole to P9Y T81, it seems like the Cayans have buried their gate. Right now, we're trying to contact the Tok'ra and the Asgard for their help."

The two SG-1 members looked at each other. It was Daniel who spoke, "General, you might want to inform someone else ..." 

"Who?"

"Jack."

*******************************************

Harry Maybourne had been waiting for almost an hour now when Larry finally decided to show up.

"Gin and tonic, please." Larry said to the bartender. The man behind the bar just nodded at his request.

"You're Larry?" Maybourne greeted him.

"I take it that you are Harry Maybourne?" he offers his hand and Maybourne took it.

"The one and only." Maybourne grinned.

The bartender came by and gave Larry his drink.

"So ... how did you manage to contact me?" Larry asked after the bartender had gone.

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that I know where you can find O'Neill."

Larry's eyes widened, "You do?"

"Yes."

"Oh wow. I've been looking for him for more than a week now. He's a hard man to find."

"I know. That's why this information comes with a heavy price." 

Larry considered this for a while, "So ... what do you want in exchange for this information?"

"I want whatever you got on Kinsey."

Larry let out a whistle, "That is quite an expensive price you're asking for."

"This is not cheap information by any means."

"I need to think about it first."

"Don't think too long, this is a one-time offer. After I walk out of this bar, it will expire."

Maybourne ordered another drink and told Larry, "This is my last glass for tonight."

Larry thought about this, "What are you going to do with the payment?"

"Nothing much, I'm just going to use it as my insurance. Kinsey and I go way back, I know what he's capable of doing. You can look at it as a security blanket."

Larry laughed, "You're right. Okay, we have a deal."

Maybourne looked at him and gulped his drink in one go, "Good, you have 24 hours, bring the payment here." He slid up a napkin under his now empty glass. With that, Maybourne stood and left the bar.

Larry took the napkin and looked at the address there. This was his reward, for being patient. And all he had to pay was just a small price, Kinsey meant nothing to him. Finally he could finish what he had started.

to be continued

AN: Sorry, it took me long to post this one, but the good news is that Part 6 is done and being beta-read.

blue-topaz@lycos.com


	6. Revelation

**Part 6: Revelation**

My emotions are drained. 

All I can do is close my eyes and try to calm the turmoil in my heart. I never knew that an imaginary Jack O'Neill could have such an impact on me. Even when he is not here, he's got a hold on me, so strong that it scares me. What would I do if the real him asked me that question? What would I say?

"Welcome back."

I open my eyes to see three people standing in front of me. 

"Why did you do that?" I have no energy to get angry.

Hunsa speaks, "We only showed you what you have in mind."

I have to smile at that. What I have in mind is not necessarily what I want.

"And the purpose of this is ... what?"

"We offered you a bliss and you refused it. Why?"

"A bliss?"

"Yes, Abel's stone can offer you things that you cannot have in reality."

I shake my head, "It's not real." 

No matter how my senses kept telling me that he was there, I knew in the back of my head that he was just a ... deception. A fake. 

"Who can define real and surreal? It's just a matter of perspective."

"It was a lie ... it's just as simple as that."

"It was not a lie, it was what you wanted. We can make you happy."

Maybe it could make me happy, but deep down I'd know it's not what I really wanted.

"Well ... what I want now is to go home. Look, I don't want to play any games. Just tell me what you want so that I can give it to you and go home."

"I am afraid that it is not possible."

I raise my eyebrow, "Why not?"

"You can not leave Cayan ... ever."

We'll just have to see about that. I wonder if I could make a run through the gate.

"There is no escape from Cayan, Major Carter."

"My friends will make one."

"They may try, but they shall fail."

It's like talking to a wall. I guess they don't know how persistent my friends can be. Daniel and Teal'c won't just leave me behind and the Colonel ... I don't know where he is right now, but he will never let me down. 

He will come for me. 

I know that for sure.

"They cannot form a connection from your world to here. We blocked the Great Ring."

That should explain why the rescue team is not here yet. 

"Okay, you said that you wanted my help. What if I exchange my help for my freedom?"

"I am afraid that it is not possible."

"Why?"

"Please come with us."

------------------------------

Holy Hannah!

In front of me there is the technology that we've been looking for years, the means to defend ourselves against the Goa'uld. A shield generator that can produce an energy barrier for the whole planet. Tentatively I move towards the generator, my fingers are itching to give it a thorough inspection. 

"This is Tamen. Abel created it and it has protected us against the Goa'uld for centuries. " I could hear Hunsa say.

"Yes, I can see it." my eyes are still fixed to the state-of-the-art generator. I wonder how strong the shield is? How complex the design is? How much naquada needed to power the generator? So many questions run through my head.

"You find this fascinating?"

"Oh yeah, it is." I am still in awe of the presence of the machine.

"However, around 287 planet rotations ago it stopped working." Servit explains.

Huh? I turn to face them, "Are you saying that this ... Tamen is broken?"

"No. It just stopped working." 

Suddenly it clicked, "It's like the box, isn't it? It just needs a new battery."

"Battery?"

Oops, I forget that they are aliens after all, "I mean new naquada."

Hunsa nods his head, "You are right. The box is the simple version of the Tamen. We used it as a shield when we travel through the Great Ring. It stopped working at the same time as the generator."

The box is a mini portable version of the generator, Abel must've created it at the same time.

"You travel through the Stargate? I thought you unburied the gate 6 months ago."

"We have the shield, we do not need to bury the gate. The Goa'uld could not set a foot in Cayan. Our race is as curious as your race, Major. We are also fascinated with new civilizations that are different from us. "

Servit adds, "We need your help to make it work again."

"Don't you have someone to do that?"

It is Ba'ek who answers, he hadn't said a word before, "None of us have the wisdom on how the Tamen works."

The Cayans only know how to use it, they don't know the science behind it.

"So, you want me to fix it for you?"

"Yes. You managed to make the box work again."

"I'm afraid I can't do that. As I said, you need naquada and I'm not sure if you have a sufficient amount of it."

"We have the naquada."

"You do?"

"Yes, Cayan was once a naquada-rich planet. The Goa'uld took most of it, but we still have some."

I sigh, "Okay. Say that I do fix the Tamen for you ... why can't I go back home after that?"

The three Grands look at each other, like they were having a private conversation inside their own mind. They have psychic abilities after all, it wouldn't surprise me if they could communicate telepathically. And after a while, Servit turns to me and says, "We cannot share this technology with any other race. That is why you have to stay here forever."

***********************

"She refuses to cooperate."

"Maybe we could tell her the truth."

"No, she could use it against us."

"Time is against us."

"She is a compassionate person, she will help us."

"We can not risk it."

"I think that it is time to make the decision."

"I vote 'no'"

"I vote 'yes'"

"I vote 'yes'"

"Then it is settled."

*********************

Larry took a last look at the address on the napkin, satisfied that he found the right door, and he knocked. The door opened and soon he was inside the house.

"Did you bring the payment?" Maybourne went straight to the point.

With a grin, Larry pulled out an envelope from his pocket, "Yes."

Maybourne took it and examined the contents. There were some papers and a disc, he flicked through the papers and loaded the disc into his computer drive. After a while he turned to face Larry, "Kinsey won't be pleased with this."

"So ... do you think that is enough for the information?" Larry asked.

"Not so fast, I need more."

"You will get some more after you tell me where O'Neill is."

Maybourne laughed at that, "Don't take me for a fool. I need more."

Cursing under his breath, Larry pulled another envelope from his jacket's pocket. He should've known that Maybourne was a greedy man with a lot of experience, the type of man that you didn't want to mess with, "Here."

Maybourne found a tape inside the envelope, he looked at Larry questioningly, "What's this?"

"A recording of Kinsey ordering me to take care of O'Neill. You can bring him down based on that alone."

Maybourne took a tape player from his desk and began to listen to the tape. After the tape was finished, he got a smug look on his face, "Okay, this should be enough."

"I gave you what you wanted. Now, tell me where O'Neill is."

"He's in Washington."

"He's here?" Larry was shocked, it never occurred to him that O'Neill would be so stupidly brave to hide in the lion's den. But it had worked, he couldn't find him after all. 

"Yes."

"Give me the address." 

"I've already given you the address."

"No, you haven't." Larry looked at Maybourne. 

"Yes, he has." Suddenly, a figure stepped into the room holding a Zat gun.

"O'Neill." 

"That's my name." Jack said casually, but all his other senses were cautioned. 

Larry flashed Maybourne a furious glare, "What's the meaning of this?"

"Hey, you wanted to know where Jack is. I only gave you what you wanted." Maybourne grinned.

"You crossed me." Larry snapped.

"No, I didn't." 

"Cut the pep talk." Jack said and then turned his attention towards Maybourne, "Maybourne, do we got what we need?"

"Yes," Maybourne waved the paper in front of him, "and a lot more." he pointed at the tape.

"Good." With that Jack fired the Zat once.

Maybourne watched as Larry's body fell to the floor, "Did you really have to do that?"

"No ... but it made me feel better." Jack just shrugged.

"Whatever you say ... what are you going to do about Larry?"

Jack never had a chance to answer the question, his cell phone was vibrating. Only Hammond knew this number and he would only use it if there was an emergency back at the SGC.

"O'Neill"

_"Jack, this is __Hammond__."_

"Sir, I've finished my business here." Jack decided to let the General know about the good news.

_"Good, do you have what you need?"_

"Yes, Sir. And I can tell you that I have Larry here with me."

_"Well done, Colonel. When can you get back to the base?"_

"I'll be there first thing in the morning. Is there something wrong, General?"

_"Jack ... there's something that you might want to know." _

Jack could sense hesitation in Hammond's voice and it never was a good sign, "Is everything alright, General?"

_"I don't know how to say it, Son. But I think you deserve to know."_

Whatever it was, Jack knew that it was bad, "Just tell me, Sir."

_"Major Carter was taken as a prisoner off-world."_

*********************

to be continued

Please do send reviews and feedbacks as always … :)

blue-topaz@lycos.com


	7. Message Through The Stars

**Part 7: Message Through The Stars**

~*~

_It is quiet here. No sound, no light, no nothing. Just darkness._

_..._

_I can hear voices._

_Voices that make me aware that there are people around me.__ My body feels heavy, I try to move but every strand of my muscles don't seem to obey my order. My eyelids lift slowly, and the first sight that greets me is a grey ceiling. Grey ... there is a touch of familiarity in that color. Then my eyes search for the source of the voices, I could only see some blurry figures in front of me. My head is having a wild party without my consent, I can't concentrate._

_"She is conscious."_

_"Check her condition!"_

_"Inform the Grands."_

_What has it got to do with the Grands? My head ... why is it pounding so much? Footsteps ... I can hear them. So fast, so loud, someone please stop the noises. The light in the room starts to upset my eyes, so I close my eyes and let the darkness soothes me. _

_"She is not supposed to be conscious yet."_

_"Is the 'Havus' successful?"_

_"We can not tell for sure."_

_"She is in a stable condition."_

_"She ..."_

_The voices starts to fade and I come back to the warm and comfortable spell. I put my arms around myself and feel something, search for something ... something that I once held dear and now I lost it. _

_I miss it. _

_But what is 'it'? Why do I want it so bad? Floating in uncertainty, I tilt my head and try to be still. Try to think about where I can find 'it'._

_What is 'it'?_

_Where did I loose 'it'?_

_Why do I miss 'it' so bad?_

_Why?_

_..._

_I can hear voices._

_Voices that sound memorable. _

_"Anyway I'm sorry but it just happens to be how I feel about it. What do you think?"_

_A curious and passionate voice, the one that I can relate to.___

_"She is a formidable warrior."_

_A steady and calm voice, the one that I can trust with my life.___

_"And?__ But? So? Therefore?"_

_An irritated and yet warm voice, the one that I'd love to hear._

_I know the owners of these voices. _

_Or I once knew._

_Those are the 'its' that I'm looking for. _

_~*~_

My eyes snap open. 

The dream has come back again. The one that always wakes me up before the dawn, as if it is an automatic alarm. The one that has been haunting me for almost 30 planet cycles now, after I had the accident at the workstation. Yanu, the Healer had warned me about this, he said that that is the result of a combination between my head injury and the cure that he gave me. 

Kicking my blanket, I leave my resting place and move towards the table in the middle of my room. After pouring myself a glass of water, I walk to the window. I take a sip of the water and watch the city as far as my eyes can see. It's still dark, but the light that is let out from some of the buildings provides some dim silhouettes. It's beautiful, no question about it, but I don't feel a sense of belonging. It's supposed to be my city ... but for me, it's just a block of buildings where the Cayans live. 

I stand and take pleasure in looking at the stars. The glittering dots in the black sky, blinking in their grace and shining in their scattered pattern. They are the only thing here that doesn't seem to be out of place. 

"Goodnight."

I could hear the stars speak to me. I chuckle softly, if Hunsa ever heard about this, he would've laughed at me. Maybe tell me that I'm out of my mind. But this is my secret. The dawn is drawing near, the sky slowly changes its color from black to orange. I bid my farewell to the sparkling dust, "See you guys tomorrow."

The sun is making an appearance, that means I need to get ready for work. 

-------------------------------------------------

"Is it ready?"

I take a last look inside the core of the Tamen, everything is in place. We are good to go, "Yes. Let's try it now."

Hunsa pushes some buttons on the generator's control panel. The generator is humming, everybody inside the workstation is holding their breath. There are several other technicians and all the Grands are here besides us. And then the humming stops.

"Damn." unconsciously I curse, "It's supposed to be working."

"We could try again tomorrow."

"No." stubbornly I examine the core again. It is in working order, it's supposed to work. 

"Kisa, it is late. You can do it tomorrow."

I glare at him, "No."

"It is not good for your health. You are still recovering from the accident."

"Hunsa, we need to get this generator working. There is more than my health that is at stake here."

He is taken aback by my words. But it is the truth. In less than 25 planet cycles the Goa'uld will come and attack Cayan, and if I can't get the Tamen working, then it will be the end of Cayan. We have depended on the Tamen for centuries, the Goa'uld are aware of its power and they want to have it. That's why every 600 planet cycles or so they attack Cayan from it's orbit to see if they can penetrate the barrier with their new weapons. I cannot let that happen, not if I can help it.

I turn my attention back to the generator. I check everything again, making sure that I don't miss anything. And an hour later I give up. I give the generator a look of death. Why won't you work, dammit! My frustration is reaching its peak. And the strange sensation that I feel every time I get close to naquada doesn't help either. 

Last resort ... I smack the core with my bare hand ... hard.

And the Tamen is humming again.

Still humming ...

"It's working." one of the technicians exclaims cheerfully. 

It is?

Everybody else in the room also cheers, "We have to inform the others. The Tamen is working."

"The Cayan are finally free from fears."

"Kisa, you did it. You made the Tamen work." Hunsa put a hand on my shoulder, proud and happy at the same time.

"Well, all it needs is just a good kick, apparently." 

Great, have to make a mental note for future projects, don't forget to smack the core of a generator before you decide that it's not working. It could save you loads of time from re-examining the core from scratch. 

_~*~_

_It is quiet here. No sound, no light, no nothing. Just darkness._

_..._

_I can see images._

_Disturbing images.___

_Scenes of war, of evil and of heartache.___

_I'm there. Cradling a weapon of some sort. Dressed in a uniform, fighting side by side with a group of people. People are shouting, weapons are fired, two sides engage in a battle ... in all the chaos we keep on fighting._

_I see people die before my eyes, I see people take other's lives in front of me, I see people beg for their life, I see people fight for power and pride, I see people fight for nothing, and then ... I see me. _

_The images start to blur and I come back to the warm and comfortable spell. I put my arms around myself and search for something ... for an answer. _

_What war is it?_

_Where do I fit into this?_

_Why do I fight this war?_

_Why?_

_..._

_I can see images._

_Comforting images.___

_A girl who has the same hair color as mine, her freckled face is smiling at me. _

_"Thank you."_

_That's all she said ... and that's all I need._

_A man, an old man, he is also smiling warmly at me._

_"I'm proud of you."_

_Those words are precious, I know that I want to hear it from him. Only from him._

_Another man, he has something on his eyes, lenses held by a wire frame._

_"You are my best friend."_

_I don't know him, but I believe in his words._

_A big and strong man, with a gold symbol on his forehead.___

_"It is an honour to have known you."_

_His words are trustworthy._

_And the last one is a man with grey hair and brown eyes._

_He doesn't say a word ... he doesn't have to._

_His eyes say everything that can not be said._

_I know them._

_Or I once knew._

_They are my family._

_~*~_

My eyes snap open.

The dreams have changed. For what reason, I simply don't know. But I miss them, I miss my family. The family that I had in my dream. My real family ... doesn't exist. I am an orphan, raised in a local orphanage. I acquired my wisdom by becoming the only apprentice of a well-known scientist, and later on took his place in the Tamen project. Where my main duty is to make sure that the Tamen is to function effectively, thus keeping the Cayan safe from the Goa'uld. 

Kicking my blanket, I get up and head straight towards the window, repeating the same routine that I had developed since I had the accident. I look up to the sky and wait patiently for the stars to speak to me.

**********************

"She made it work again."

"She saved us."

"She is loyal and very dedicated."

"Maybe we should tell her the truth now."

"No, if she knows, she would wish to go home."

"We owe her."

"But we cannot share the technology."

"She still deserves to know the truth."

"We cannot read her mind now, it is too uncertain."

"We cannot let her know."

**********************

"How long since she was taken prisoner?"

"Over a month now."

Jacob Carter sighed deeply, his daughter was missing for more than a month now and the Tok'ra High Council only let him know about it just a few days ago. They were afraid that he would abandon his mission for her sake.

"Do you have anything on the planet?"

It was Daniel who answered, "We wonder if Selmac could recognise this planet. We found evidence that an Ancient named Abel was there long ago. And ..." 

"Wait, did you say Abel?" Selmac has a memory about this Abel.

Daniel passed along a file folder to him, "Yes, do you know anything about him?"

"Yes, but ..." it couldn't be. He read the files in front of him ... the mission reports from the first visit to Cayan made by the SG-7, Sam's reports on the metal box, and mission reports from the second visit to Cayan made by SG-7 and SG-1. After Jacob finished reading the files, he didn't know whether he was supposed to feel glad or not.

"She is alright." 

"Jacob, what makes you say that?" Hammond asked.

"The Cayan are a peaceful race, they need Sam's expertise. That's why they kidnapped her." Daniel and Teal'c exchanged a look.

"For what purpose do they need Major Carter's skill?" Teal'c was the one who asked the question.

Jacob took a deep breath, "The Cayan is a planet that is protected by a shield generator, made specially to repel the Goa'uld. Many Goa'uld have tried to get their hands on the technology, but none of them were successful. Some gave up but some were more persistent. Yu uses the Cayan's shield to test his new weaponry."

"Me?" Daniel frowned.

Jacob looked at him, "Yu as in the System Lord Yu."

"Oh, sorry. Carry on."

"Yu attacks them regularly, he even has a schedule for that because it took time to get a mothership to Cayan so he needs to plan ahead. From your story here, Teal'c managed to get inside Cayan, that means that the shield generator wasn't working. They might of switched it off or it may be broken."

"That's where they need Sam, they want her to fix the generator. She could fix the box, they thought that she could fix the generator as well." Daniel concluded.

"Yes."

"But, I don't get it, can't they fix it themselves?"

"Maybe they just don't have the knowledge for it."

"I see. But why don't they just ask? Sam would of loved to help them for sure."

Jacob looked thoughtful, "They are not allowed to share their technology. It is too dangerous if it falls into the wrong hands."

"But they gave us the box."

"To see if we could fix it. It's just the risk that they had to take, and from the reports that Sam wrote here, the box is not as powerful as the shield generator that they have."

Silence filled the room.

"We have to get her back."

Jacob turned his head to the figure that had just spoken. Colonel Jack O'Neill was gazing at the Stargate, he stood in front of the big window in the briefing room. Jacob noticed that he hadn't said anything since the briefing started.

"I know."

"Jacob, can the Tok'ra spare us a cargo ship?"

"I can arrange that. Why?"

Jack twisted his head to face him, "We're going to Cayan."

**********************

Jack O'Neill watched the stars from the mountain. He fixed his gaze to a particular spot in the sky.

Where she was.

Tomorrow ... he would go and get her. 

Every night, he always said goodnight to the stars. When she found out about it, she laughed out loud. They were off-world, on a mineral survey mission, the ones that always made him bored out of his skull. She caught him saying goodnight to the sky when she released him from his watch.

------------------------------

"There's no point in doing that, Sir." she was still laughing, but not loud enough to wake up her other team-mates.

"Of course there is." he insisted.

"Tell me then."

"Well, the stars will carry your message and deliver it to people that you care about. No matter where they are."

"Really?" her tone was rising at the end.

"Yes, I mean people like Skaara and Dad. I always say goodnight to them."

"You say goodnight to Dad?" she looked at him as if not believing a word he said.

"Yeah, of course. Why?"

She was just about to say something, but then she changed her mind, "Nothing."

"I like your Dad." he assured her.

"Sure you do." there was the 'I don't think so' tone again.

"Watch it Major. I don't like what you're implying there." he said playfully.

"And what was I implying exactly?" she played along with him.

He had to resist the urge to ruffle her hair, "Come on Carter. You can say goodnight to your Dad as well."

"With all due respect, Sir. No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't see how the stars can do the job."

He smiled at that, she always had scientific reasons for anything, "Okay, stand up."

"Sir?"

"Stand up and look at the stars above. Come on." he started to stand up and offered his hand to her.

She took it and pulled herself up. After taking a last look at him, she tilted up her head to see the thousands of those tiny diamonds spread around the dark night sky. He positioned himself behind her and wrapped his arms around her, her head rested on his shoulder. They watched the sky together in the still of the night.

"They are beautiful." she said.

"Can you hear the voice?" he asked.

"What voice?"

"My 'goodnight' voice that I just sent to the sky a while ago."

She giggled, "No."

"Okay, concentrate and listen carefully."

She shook her head in amusement, but she still did it.

"Goodnight." he whispered so softly in her ear.

He watched her smile at that.

------------------------------

to be continued

Please do send reviews and feedbacks as always.

blue-topaz@lycos.com


	8. Question From A Friend

AN: A bit spoiler for 'Divide and Conquer' and 'Entity'

**Part 8: Question From A Friend**

~*~

_It is quiet here. No sound, no light, no nothing. Just darkness._

_..._

_I can see a vision._

_There was a man, he was wearing a grey uniform._

_His eyes were pleading._

_He was begging._

_To me.___

_To do something.___

_And then I did it._

_A blue bolt of light struck him down._

_I ran to his side, catching him in my arms before his body reached the floor._

_He was gone, I took his life away._

_He had a special place in my heart._

_I care about him._

_But somehow I knew that the feeling was not real._

_Why did his death sadden me so much? And yet I could feel that it was not really me who was affected so badly. Like there was another part of me who had its own mind._

_Who is he?_

_Why did I feel the way I did?_

_Why did I do what I did?_

_Why?_

_..._

_I can see a vision._

_There was a man. The man that I knew._

_He pointed a weapon at me._

_His eyes were troubled._

_He begged me to stop._

_But I couldn't._

_Something was holding me back._

_A blue bolt of light struck me._

_It was painful, but I was still standing on my feet._

_Once again he begged me to stop._

_Once again I couldn't._

_He had to do something._

_He hesitated._

_I knew that he had to do it._

_And I knew that he knew._

_I wanted to reach out to him._

_But something was holding me back._

_So he did it._

_I could see a blue bolt of light head towards me for the second time._

_I never saw it reach me._

_I didn't feel the pain._

_I was somewhere else._

_Why did I understand his actions? What was holding me back? Why couldn't I reach him? I can feel that he meant a lot to me, that he had a special place in my heart. My true own heart. _

_I know him._

_Or I once knew_

_We are linked. _

_~*~_

The dreams have changed again. It is strange, but I don't feel like sharing it with the others. It almost feels like a forgotten memory. Only I know that it isn't a memory at all, it is called 'Existent Hallucination', a side-effect of the medication that I take. But I have stopped taking it for almost 5 planet cycles now, so why do I still have it? The hallucinations can show me a very real dream, and I have to admit that they feel very true. 

Hunsa had voiced his concern when I said that I wanted to take a walk around the city. He said that the city was dangerous and I needed to rest. Yanu, my Healer, agreed with him, but I felt bored of doing nothing but sleep and sleep and sleep. When the Tamen was still broken, at least I had something to do. So, yesterday, I snuck out and managed to do it without anyone noticing that I was gone. I'm kinda proud of that fact and it's ... addictive, so once again I find myself roaming around the city.

I scrutinize the crowd, and satisfied that no one seems familiar, I take a deep breath. Then, I walk inside the pack of people. It's refreshing out here, fresh outdoor air accompanied by the presence of the busy city's atmosphere. People walking and talking at the same time, drowned in the routine of life, ignoring the strangers around them. I head to where my legs take me, my brain needs an escape from doing any kind of activity. It's been working for days and now it demands a holiday, which I grant it easily. 

I feel free ... 

No concerned eyes are pointed towards me, no one stops talking when they see me, no one is treating me like I'm some kind of fragile glass. Outside the building, I'm just a pedestrian, an ordinary person who has the same treatment as any other individual. And that soothes me, more than anything. The feeling of being normal.

***

The Cargo ship was in hyperspace, travelling through the galaxy on its way to Cayan. Inside the ship, Jacob was steering, Jack was sitting on the floor on his own, and Daniel and Teal'c were having a conversation near the transporter rings.

Jacob was perturbed; Jack O'Neill was calm, too calm. He knew that it was Jack's way to deal with things, it was his way as well. He knew Jack, he knew how he felt about his team, but there was something more than a concern for his team that Jacob could sense from him. What did his daughter mean to this man? They were good friends, he realised that. Together with Teal'c and Daniel, they were a good team, even the Tok'ra High Council acknowledged that.

_You think too much, Jacob_. 

Do I? he questioned his other half.

_Yes._

Maybe I do, but this is Sam we're talking about. Sam, the daughter that he thought he lost once, the very same daughter who gave him a second chance at life, one of the things in his life that he was proud of. 

_Exactly.__ Because it is Sam, you don't need to worry._ Selmac reasoned.

I can't help it.

_You raised her well. She's a good woman, you need to learn to trust her more._ The praise made him smile sadly.

I raised her too well, Selmac. That's the problem.

_I don't understand._

Selmac, even a blind man can see that they care about each other, you read Anise's report on the Za'tarc.

_With what they are doing for a living, it is only natural if they developed affectionate feelings towards each other._

It's more than that.

_I never really understood you Earthlings._

I taught her through my own actions that there are things more important than your own happiness. But now, after I've seen what's 'out there', I really wish she had never followed my example. Life is short, Selmac. It's an irony that I realised that after we joined, after I was given the opportunity to double my life span.

_Carry on._

She should get whatever life can offer for her. There's nothing more I want to see than to see her happy. Jacob looked to his side, where Jack was. He was concentrating on his Baretta, disassembling and assembling it with perfect precision, the regular act that was practised over and over again. His fingers fiddled instinctively, but Jacob knew that he was hiding his angst. If he hadn't known Jack better, he would've been fooled, He can make her happy.

_I thought you don't want them to be together_.

I don't. It would ruin her career.

_Jacob, save me from my misery here.__ Do you want them to be together or not?_ Jacob smiled, he loved it when he made Selmac confused. She always bragged the fact that she was older and wiser than him.

_I don't brag. I merely state the truth._ and she was over-sensitive too sometimes.

_Jacob, I can hear your mind, you know_.

Sorry. You know that all those 'insults' are just an expression of my fondness for you. he said affectionately.

_I know ... So, what's the answer?_

Jacob had been asking that question himself, I'm not sure Selmac. I just have the questions, not the answers.

And then both entities joined in the same body shared the silence. 

---

Jacob walked steadily towards Jack, Teal'c had just relieved him from the cockpit. 

"Jack." he called the man. Jack raised his head, his fingers and his Baretta were still interacting.

"Jacob." 

Jacob sat himself next to him, so that they were on the same level. Jack finally gave his Baretta a rest and stared at it as he weighed it with his hands.

"I'm sorry Jacob." he was avoiding Jacob's eyes.

Jacob looked at the man in front of him, "What for?"

"For letting this happen."

"It's not your fault."

"It is."

"It's not."

"I should've been there."

There was the blame, and there was nothing that Jacob could say to make it disappear. But he had to try anyway, "Do you blame Daniel and Teal'c for this?"

Jack turned his head to face him at last, "No, there was nothing else that they could of done."

"Do you believe that if you were there, you could of done something about it?"

There was pause for a while, "No, but at least I would be there ..." 

The two men stared at each other.

"Jack, I want to ask you a question."

"Shoot."

"Do you consider me a friend?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Then the question comes from a friend, not from a Tok'ra, not from an Air Force General, not from Sam's father. Just from a friend."

Jack eyed Jacob carefully, tried to look for any other indication that Jacob would ask a different question that he thought Jacob would. But there was none. 

"I care about her, Jacob. A lot." Jack provided the answer even before the question was asked.

Jacob was a little bit shocked, he had expected Jack to shun the question or maybe hide behind his military mask. But he opened up straight away, and there was a pang of satisfaction to know that it was his daughter that made Jack do that. This man loved his daughter. Jacob knew that he could trust the man in front of him. And he would be damned if he was in the way of their happiness. 

"Thanks, Jack."

Jack looked at him questioningly, "What for?"

"For not treating her like she is just one of your subordinates."

Both men smiled in understanding.

"It's not hard Jacob. Believe me, it's not hard."

---

Jack was checking their supplies when Daniel came in.

"Jack."

Jack turned his head to see him, "Yes, Daniel."

"Jacob said that we'll be there in four days time. I just wanted to let you know."

"Thanks." 

And then, Jack busied himself with the supplies once again, turning his back against him. Daniel was worried, Jack had been very polite. No sarcastic comment, no lame quip, and no joke. He knew the reason why. 

"Jack?"

"Yes, Daniel?" Jack still had his back on him.

"We all miss her."

"I know."

"We're going to get her back."

"We will, Daniel."

"Jack."

"Yes ..."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"It's not yours either."

Jack turned around and faced him, "It doesn't matter anymore. I'll get her back."

"Don't you mean, 'we'll get her back'?"

"No, I mean 'I'LL get her back'."

to be continue

AN: To shiplover: Damn, I should've though about that 'propose' idea. Anyway, do send review and feedback … :)

Blue-topaz@lycos.com

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/


	9. Treasure of A Soul

**Part 9: Treasure of A Soul**

Ba'ek stood in the middle of the desert. He watched the sky, waiting for something to come down. The Observation Radar had shown that a Goa'uld cargo ship was in Cayan's orbit. He had been worried, but the ship proved to pose no threat. When the ship launched something and it penetrated the Tamen's shield, Ba'ek realized that it was not a Goa'uld ship after all; it must be Major Carter's people. The scientists working on the Observation Radar were worried, but Ba'ek had ordered them to stay calm. After calculating where the object was going to land, he volunteered himself to investigate it.

And then an object appeared from nowhere, it was like nothing he ever saw before. The object descended to the ground at a steady velocity. He was no scientist, but he could see that the half-sphere like thing attached to the object was responsible for the gravity-defying movement. 

The alien object amazed him, and his eyes followed its path. And then, with a loud thud the object crashed to the ground. Sending sand around its landing point to be spluttered around. After all the sand finally settled to the ground, it appeared some part of the object was open. It looked like a door and then a man stepped out from it. 

Ba'ek approached the man, he was not afraid of him, although he knew that the man was dangerous. He could sense the desperation in him, the man would do anything necessary to achieve his goal. But most of all, he could sense this man's ... commitment. He wouldn't call it love, the word did not do justice for what the man had. He was committed to her. And Ba'ek envied him ... he envied them.

"Welcome to Cayan, Colonel."

The man looked at him suspiciously, his hand was holding a weapon pointed at him. 

"You're one of the Grands, aren't you?"

Ba'ek liked the man instantly, he was a sharp and straight-to-the-point type of man.

"Yes. Come, I'll bring you to her."

The man hesitated.

"Why would you want to do that?"

Ba'ek searched for the right answer. The 'Colonel' didn't trust him, which was understandable. Trust could not be gained by words alone, it had to be earned by actions. But he didn't have the time to do that, "Because I'm the only one here who can help you."

The man thought about it for a moment. Then, hesitantly, he brought down the weapon and put it aside. He picked up a small black box from his pocket and spoke into it, "Jacob, do you read?"

"_I'm here, Jack."_

"I'm down here."

"_Can you get inside the city?"_

Jack looked at Ba'ek, "Yes, Jacob. I have someone here who can help me."

"_Good. Contact us again when you have found her."_

"Will do. O'Neill out."

And then he put the box back inside his pocket, "Show me the way."

Ba'ek turned around and started to walk towards his vehicle, which looked surprisingly like a car, only with three wheels instead of four - two wheels on the back and one wheel on the center front. The man followed him inside the vehicle. He was prepared, he was dressed in similar clothing as the Cayans; a simple deep green long sleeved shirt and matching trousers. Ba'ek could sense confusion and awareness in him, he had expected him to do just that. The journey was spent in silence, only the sound of the engine could be heard, along with the wind's voice.

"So ... what's your name?"

Ba'ek turned to his side, "My name is Ba'ek."

He looked perplexed for a second, "Let's just call you B, how's that?"

Ba'ek was startled, shortening one's name was an impolite thing to do in Cayan culture, but he didn't sense any rudeness from this man. Instead, he sensed something else, a feeling of keenness. 

"Is it customary for you to concise one's name?"

"Hell yeah. Back on Earth, some people have quite a long name. We call it a nick-name, it makes it easier for all of us to have one."

"Interesting. Do you have what you call a 'nick-name' yourself?"

The man grinned, "Of course. My full name is Jonathan, but you can call me Jack."

"Then you may call me ... B."

Ba'ek liked the way his name was changed. It was simple and easy to say.

"Good."

They could see the city from their position now, Ba'ek stopped the vehicle, turned around and faced him.

"There is something that you must know before we see her."

"Tell me."

"We put a different memory inside her head."

Jack was startled, but he quickly recovered, "You mean a memory stamp?"

"Yes."

Jack sighed, but he knew that she was strong, "No big deal, we had that once before. She'll get over it."

Ba'ek could sense that he had a lot of faith in her, "This is different."

"What do you mean?"

"This memory is real, it belongs to someone else."

Jack raised his eyebrows, "How is that possible?"

"The Abel's stone is a powerful device, we do not know how it works. But it can be done."

"Abel's stone?"

"Yes, take a look at this." Ba'ek pulled up his sleeves so that he could show Jack the device.

"Holy smokes." Jack could see what suspiciously looked like a ribbon device.

"It is not a Goa'uld ribbon device, you can see that we used a different stone here." Ba'ek turned up his palm so Jack could see the big blue-green marble instead of the usual yellowish stone.

"So, what exactly is it that this stone does?"

"A lot of things, we can read someone else's mind, we can give someone a bliss, we can..."

"A bliss? What is it?" Jack was intrigued.

"It was ... an illusion as Major Carter put it."

"Carter? You gave her that?"

"Yes, and she refused it. Most fascinating, no one had done it before, she was the first. She has a strong..."

"Woah ... listen, I don't need that information, just tell me something, can she get her memory back?"

Ba'ek considered his question for a while, "She can, but it will not be easy."

"How?"

"The Stone creates an electrical field inside her brain, this has to be maintained. She has to receive treatment every 20 planet cycles, if we cut out this treatment, the electric field will weaken and therefore her memory will resurface. The memory charge planted to Major Carter's brain originated from one of the Cayan scientists who was responsible for the Tamen's maintenance."

"Tamen?"

"The shield that protects Cayan from the Goa'uld."

"The reason you kidnapped her." Jack clenched his fists

Ba'ek could feel Jack's anger, "Please do not be angry. We did what needed to be done, Cayan needs the Tamen and only Major Carter could repair it. I'm not proud of what we've done, but unfortunately ... it was done." Ba'ek could feel regret, he could have prevented this from happening, but he was not strong enough.

"You're right." Jack conceded.

"The scientist's name was Kisa. She was a very dedicated citizen, that was why I said it will not be easy."

"Why?"

"Kisa is ... to use your own word ... is married."

Jack was silenced, but he refused to give up, "It doesn't make any difference."

Ba'ek felt sorry for this man, "It does. In Cayan society, when a man and a woman are joined, it is for eternity. You must not forget that right now, it is Kisa's memory that is dominant. She will not be very cooperative, Kisa would never leave her partner."

Jack closed his eyes and let Ba'ek's words sink in, and then slowly he opened his eyes, determination written on his face.

"That's okay. I'll drag her myself if I need to."

***

Hunsa looks furious ... he has good reason for that.

Yanu, the Healer, concentrates on his task in order to avoid Hunsa's eyes. He is afraid of him. I can't blame the man, Hunsa can be very scary if he wants to. But I'm not going to be intimidated; I look back at his eyes, challenging his authority.

"Ah ... the cut was not deep. I believe it will heal in no time." Yanu breaks the silence after he finishes putting a dressing on my arm.

"Thanks, Yanu." I turn to him and smile.

"Kisa, can I have a word with you? In the Garden." and then Hunsa leaves the room abruptly. 

I know what is coming, but I didn't do anything wrong. Honest.

"Sure." I say to no one, disappointed because he didn't wait for my answer. I hop from the Healing Place's bed, "See you again, Yanu."

Yanu stops me before I can leave the room, "Kisa, don't be too hard to him. He is only worried about you."

"Yanu ... I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. I don't need him to act like my knight in shinning armour." I complain.

Yanu frowns, clearly confused by the expression I used. I sigh, once again I feel like my way of thinking is different from the majority of the Cayan's civilization, "I mean, I don't need him to protect me."

He smiles, "That's where you are wrong, Kisa. You need his protection, we all do. From the Goa'uld."

I roll my eyes, "It's not him who protects us, it's the Tamen. The machine, can you see it?"

Yanu shakes his head in amusement, no one has ever questioned Hunsa's bravery and leadership before, "The machine is just a tool, it cannot operate without a person behind it. Hunsa has sacrificed so much in order to protect us. Just remember that."

"Tell me then, what has he sacrificed? What makes him so great in your eyes?" I look at him in confusion. People around him seem to worship the ground that he walked. He is a good man, I know that, but what made them adore him?

He is troubled by my question, "I cannot say."

Damn, I could've sworn that they were hiding something from me, "Peachy."

Once again, he looks uncomfortable with my choice of words, but I can't help it. Those words automatically come out from my throat, right from the tip of my tongue. He stares at me blankly, unsure of what to say, and finally, I spare him from his misery.

"Look, I'm going to see Hunsa now. See you later." I wave at him lamely before I depart from the room. Walking unwillingly towards the Garden, I notice that people are staring at me. Why do they do that? Don't they know that it's annoying? After much grumbling and complaining (inside my head), I arrive at the Garden. It is in the middle of the 'Utama' complex, my 'Golden Cage'. I hate it here, I want to explore what's out there, I want to experience things, can't he see that? But I always love the Garden, the flowers are blooming, the leaves are green and fresh, the air is crisp and enjoyable, however, there's always a downside to everything. And for this Garden, it's the bugs. It's not that I hate them or anything, but I despise anything that crawls. 

"Kisa ..." Hunsa's voice, I look to were the sound originated. He's standing near the pond, my favorite place, and I approach him. The Garden is deserted at this time of the day.

"So ... what do you want to say?" I ask dryly.

He looks at me, his green eyes soften as he lifts his hand to stroke my cheek, "I'm sorry for snapping at you back there."

I can feel a shiver run through my body. Damn, this man. How can he make me feel so powerless, my anger soon disappears into thin air, "Why did you do that then?" 

"Because I can't stand of the thought of losing you." he leans towards me and places a chaste kiss on my lips. 

"I just went for a walk." I reason. 

"Outside is unsafe, you know that. The cut on your arm proves it." he moves his hand to run his fingers through my hair. I enjoy the sensation that he gives me.

"I feel bored here. Besides, I could handle it." he's not going to win, not by distracting me with his touches. The touches that I love, one of the reasons why I am joined to him. 

His other hand pulls me into his embrace, "What about a compromise?"

My hands automatically wrap around him, "What compromise?"

"I let you go outside 'Utama', but you have to have an escort with you. How's that?" he whispers in my ears.

"As tempting as it is ... I want to go out alone." I whisper back.

"Kisa, don't be stubborn. Can't you see that we need you? We can't afford to lose you."

_'We' ... not '__I'. _

Sometimes, I ask myself. Do I love him more than he loves me? Is his love merely a duty? The duty to the Cayan people, that loving me is an assignment that is necessary to make sure that Cayan is safe. He is a man with a strong vision. When he asked me to be joined with him, I was delighted, I wanted it more than anything in my life. Most women in Cayan wanted it more than anything in their life. 

I was the luckiest woman alive ... or so I thought. 

***

Jack watched the scene before his eyes silently. When he first saw the flash of blond hair, he knew straight away that it was her. 

But then, he saw him hold her. He knew it was not his Major that was in the man's arms, it was the Cayan's woman. 

He knew. 

He realized. 

He understood.

But it was still painful. 

To see her with someone else.

To see her beaming face was directed to someone else. 

To acknowledge that someone other than him could bring her happiness.

...

Once again he decided.

He only wanted what was best for her.

He would do anything.

Absolutely everything.

He had nothing to lose.

She was not his to lose.

She was his to cherish.

The treasure of his soul.

***

to be continue

Please do send reviews and feedback as always.

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/


	10. Knowing You

**Part 10: Knowing You**

Ba'ek could feel Jack's emotions and his attempts to repress them. He admired the man, even though he saw her in someone's arms, he did not turn away. He watched them ... he watched her. It was painful, Ba'ek could feel Jack's anguish; but in his desolation, he kept watching. It took great courage and determination to do that ... something was driving him, forcing him to stand still and observe. Ba'ek couldn't work out what it was, nor had he ever encountered such a thing.

Earthlings were different from the Cayans, and Ba'ek couldn't help comparing the two worlds. Major Carter and Jack were ... unique, they chose the hard way when in fact there was an easy way out. They chose to fight and walk down the winding road when they could just give up and settle down for something more. Why? For what reason? A thousand questions were running through Ba'ek's mind.

Slowly, Jack turned around to face him. "Bring me to the Tamen."

Ba'ek was startled, he was so drowned in his musings that he lost track of time. He could see that Hunsa and Major Carter had already left the Garden. 

"No," he said firmly. He could read Jack's mind, he could not let him do as he intended, no matter how much he wanted to help the man next to him.

"Why?"

Ba'ek saw Jack's fist was clenched, "The Cayans need the Tamen, I could not let you destroy it."

"I won't destroy it. I just need to turn it off for a while, so that Carter and I can get off this rotten planet." Jack was irritated; sabotaging the Tamen was the only way out from Cayan. Jacob's cargo ship could not pick them up with the shield on.

Ba'ek shook his head, "Do you love her?"

Jack frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Do you love her? Do you care about her?"

"What I feel about her is not important."

"On the contrary, it is the most important thing."

"What do you mean?"

Ba'ek needed to see how much she meant to him, "She has a life here. A life that she could not have back on Earth. She is happy here; can you guarantee that she would be happier back on Earth?"

"It's not her LIFE. It's not her HAPPINESS. It's someone else. How can you be so blind?" Jack was half-shouting.

"Am I really the one who is blind? You saw for yourself how she feels about Hunsa."

"Hunsa? Is that the guy's name?" Jack could not help but snicker at the silly name.

"Yes." Ba'ek confirmed.

"Okay, that was Hunsa's wife. It's not Carter."

"But now, they are the same."

"No, they are not."

"Whether you like it or not, they are the same."

"They ARE NOT." Jack insisted.

"Then prove it." Ba'ek did not want to do this, but it had to be done.

"How?"

"Ask her to go with you. To leave Hunsa behind. If they really are not the same women, then she would do that willingly."

Jack paused for a while, thinking about his condition, "Deal ... but we still need to get off of this planet."

Ba'ek smiled, this was going according to his plan, "Don't worry. I will provide you with a way."

"How?"

"Do not concern yourself with it. If she says 'yes' then I'll make sure you are going back to Earth."

Jack sighed, he knew that he couldn't get any more information out of this guy, "But, my friends are waiting up there," he pointed out absently to the sky, "with a ship."

"Then I suggest you tell them to hide. The Goa'uld will arrive in the Cayan's orbit in 7 planet cycles." Ba'ek advised.

Something just clicked, "Let me guess, just a wild guess. Weapon testing time?"

"Yes."

Jack muttered under his breath, "Oh joy."

***

I lay in my bed. 

My dream has changed again. It was not as blurry as all the others, but it was not as intense as well. This time, it's me and him only – the man that was constantly in my dream – we did nothing but stare at each other. I didn't know how much time passed, we just stood still, lost in each other's presence. I couldn't see his face clearly, but his eyes were brown. Warm, gentle, full of emotion, full of care. No one had ever looked at me that way. He didn't say a thing, I could not speak a word. He didn't budge, I could not move a muscle. In the end, I just let the moment overwhelm me. 

I found peace there. 

I found comfort there. 

I found strength there. 

I found ... love?

...

I shake my head, try to clear all the thoughts from my head. I have a love ... haven't I? It's here, just right next to me.

I glance at the man laying on my right side. He's still sleeping, his breathing is slow and regular. His short brown hair frames his face perfectly, his strong arms are draped on his sides. Our love is perfect, a match made in heaven. A charismatic leader and a brilliant scientist. Young, successful, brilliant and respected. Both working for our people, both devoted to each other. Couples envy us, lovers want to be like us, parents want their children to grow up like us. We are an icon, a wonderful picture of a happy family. 

But I don't want a love that's perfect ... I want one that's sincere. Even though it brings tears and only lasts for a second. Is it too much to ask? Is that what the dream is all about? The interpretation of my desire to have a real love? That because I can't have it with Hunsa then I dream about a man who could give me just that?

Jeez ... how sad am I.

Creating an imaginary hunk to compensate for my lack of a love life.

I sigh, and then slowly get up from the bed and head towards the window, where I know that the faithful stars are waiting for me. 

---

After doing my daily check up on the Tamen, I went to the Garden. Hiding myself inside one of the glass houses, I sit on the floor, effectively blocking people from spying on me. I don't care if my clothes get dirty. Hunsa is in the Grands meeting, apparently a ship was spotted in orbit. I don't see what the fuss is all about, the Tamen is in working order after all. We are safe.

I read the title of the book that I have just borrowed without permission from the Reading Room. It's a book about stars, about their constellations and the science behind it. I immensely enjoy it and soon find myself lost in the book. Halfway through the book, I could hear the rain pounding the rooftop of the glass house. I look up to see the water droplets hit the glass. I love rain, it has its own special scent. Fresh and alluring, exiting and natural. I abandon the book for a while, and head towards the door. Seriously considering playing under the rain, it's always fun. Besides, the weather is not too cold, in fact it's quite warm.

Before I can decide, I notice something. Someone. He is standing in the rain, drenched, it seems like he is looking for something. His head is moving around, scanning his surroundings. When he sees me, he walks towards my direction slowly, using his hand to shield his eyes from the rain. And then he jogs in order to reach the glass house quickly. I guess he just needs a shelter from the rain. Automatically, I move away from the entrance to let him in.

The man enters, water dripping from his clothes onto the ground. He stares at me, but he doesn't say a thing. I take a good look at him, he has grey hair, a strong face, and a pair of rich brown eyes. I know him, he's the man from my dreams. Neither of us says a thing. His eyes are so gentle, radiating warmth from where he is standing. I feel safe, I feel relaxed, I feel ... alive.

He takes a tentative step forwards so that he is standing right in front of me. I'm mesmerized by his movement. He lifts his hand and stokes the back of his fingers on my cheek. Even though the fingers are cold, it induces a hot trail on my skin. His gaze is longing but not demanding. He doesn't say a thing but his actions speak louder than words.

I blurt out, "Are you for real?" 

He is shocked, but then he quickly recovers and smiles at me. I can tell that he is relieved -- of what, I'm not sure.

"Yes, I am."

He draws me to his arms. His embrace is comforting. I find myself drawn to it, and I can not find the strength to resist it. He rests his head on my shoulder, one hand on my back, the other on the back of my head. It feels good, it feels right.

"I miss you." I can sense his soft voice close to my ear. It's gentle, warm and caring.

I close my eyes and let the man's presence soothe me. I never felt like this before.

"Me too."

I don't know what made me say that, but I know this for sure. 

It is the truth. 

***

to be continued 

AN: *sigh* I had to stop there, so ... what do you think? Please send reviews and feedbacks as always. 

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/


	11. You To Me

**Part 11: You To Me**

He holds me tight, pulling me closer against his body. With my eyes closed, I allow myself to breathe his scent and inhale his aroma. I can hear him repeatedly mutter 'thank God', making me smile against my will. 

"Kisa," 

Damn, my eyes snap open. It's Hunsa's voice, he's looking for me. I try to look out to where the voice came from, but a pair of strong arms holds me in my position. Double damn, I'm hugging another man, he cannot see me like this, he could get the wrong idea ... although I'm not even sure that it would be the completely wrong idea. I push the man in front of me and suddenly I regret that decision. Confusion and disappointment are clearly portrayed on his face. 

But I don't have time, I take his hand and drag him behind an array of thick plants. There is only one thing on my mind right now, I have to hide him. Somewhere, anywhere, so that Hunsa can not find him.

"Carter, what the Hell are you doing?" He is annoyed, I can tell from the tone of his question, but I ignore him. After I'm sure I find the right spot, I put my hand on his head and push it down so that he's down on the ground. He yelps an indignant 'hey', oh boy, he's not happy. He tries to get up, but I put my hands on his shoulders, restraining him, bending a little as I do it, "Stay here," I plead, "please."

He looks at me, all the annoyance is gone. And then his head nods a little, a small smile escapes from his lips, "Yes, Ma'am."

Now, I'm sure he's mocking me, I know it, I just don't know how exactly.

"Kisa."

Damn, Hunsa's voice is getting louder which means he's getting close. I peak through the thick layers of green leaves, I can see his silhouette in the mild rain. I was planning to go to the entrance and call for him when I feel a tug on my clothes. I look down to see his eyes shoot an accusing gaze at me, "Your husband?"

Husband? I know that word, I heard it somewhere.

"Your partner?" Rephrasing his sentence, he asks the question again.

There's a pang of guilt that stabs my heart. I want to say 'no' because I know it will sadden him if I say 'yes', but I could not bring myself to lie. Not to him. 

"Yes."

And then he tugs at my clothes again, "Don't."

"Don't what?" I stare at him in confusion.

"Don't go with him."

I don't know what makes me nod, but I just did. He lets go of my clothes and then I walk away from him, towards the man that I call 'my partner', reluctantly.

"Kisa," I can hear Hunsa calling me once more. 

"I'm in here," somehow I manage to call him although my brain seems to go numb as realization dawns. What have I done? I betrayed Hunsa. Even though it was only a hug, it certainly feels like so much more. And his request, he asks for more than that. Somehow, I just know it, and I want to say 'yes' so badly it hurts. It's against everything that I thought I believed. 

"Hey," I can feel something touch my cheek. It startles me a bit, my hand instinctively brushes away his hand from my face.

Hunsa is shocked, I can tell from the look on his face.

"Sorry, I was just daydreaming, you made me jump, that's all." I try to explain my earlier behavior.

He frowns, but not for long. "The meeting is finished. Do you want to go back now?" He asks.

_"Don't go with him." _

The man's voice is ringing in my ears and sneaks inside my subconscious.

"No, no, you go ahead. I have some reading to finish." Shaking my head, I make an excuse that I hope he will buy.

"Are you sure?" Hunsa asks again.

"Yes."

He smiles, "Then I'll leave you with your book alone."

"Thanks." I force out a smile.

He bends down a little to kiss me, but I know that the man is watching me. I don't want him to see me kissing another man, so I step back to avoid it. Damn, damn, damn, Hunsa will be suspicious now, his face is clouded.

"Ah ... you're a little bit wet," I offer the first defense that came across to my mind. Good brain ... very good brain, I owe you for this.

He chuckles a little, "You don't appear to be dry yourself."

I don't? ... oops, he's right. The man was drenched after all when he hugged me.

"Yeah, I was playing in the rain a bit but I'm drying now. Don't want to get wet again." I surprise myself when the lie came out so easily and naturally from my lips. That, and the fact that I could think of such a thing. 

"I understand. I'll be waiting for your return at our place." Hunsa takes my hand and squeezes it. He is so sweet and understanding that it takes all my will to not tell him the truth. And then he's gone, swallowed by the white mist caused by the rain. 

"Carter," the man's voice. He must've sensed that Hunsa had left and came out from his hiding place.

"Who's Carter?" I turn around and face him. He is just a few steps away from me.

"It's you." I look for a sign of hesitation, a sign that shows he didn't know what he was talking about. No such luck.

"I'm not Carter, I'm Kisa." I tell him.

He smiles and shakes his head, "Stubborn as ever, but you know yourself better than me, Carter ... or Kisa. Whatever you prefer, I don't mind. As long as you're coming back with me."

I raise my eyebrows, "What do you mean?"

"I'll take you back home."

"This is my home."

"No, this is Kisa's home. Not yours."

I eye him carefully, "Explain."

"The Grands did something to you. They put someone else's memory in you."

"That's impossible."

But everything seems to make more sense now. I never felt like I belonged here. 

"Why not? It's not your first time anyway." Not my first time? This conversation is getting weirder and weirder by the second.

"Look, Carter," he put a hand on my shoulder, "I know it is a lot to take in, but trust me it's not that bad. At least you recognize me. That's a good sign."

"Is it?" I ask him, "for all I know, you could be a serial killer."

"For crying out loud, you know how much I hate clichés." The corner of my mouth twitches, he continues, "Look, if you know me, there's a good chance that you'll still recognize Daniel and Tealc."

"Who?"

"Daniel, you know. The geeky and nerdy guy who wears glasses, brown hair, blue eyes, who you get along with so well and so much that you once claimed him to be your long lost twin."

"I did?"

"Yeah, and Teal'c is the big burly bald Jaffa, who has a symbol on his forehead. He's hard to miss."

"A Jaffa?"

"Yes, a good Jaffa, I must add. One of your best friends."

They sound familiar, the description matches the people in my dreams, "Then, who is the little girl?"

"Little girl?"

"Yes, I saw her too sometimes in my dreams."

He frowns, "Your dreams?"

"Yes, that's where I saw you too."

He looks thoughtful for a while, "Ah ... yes, that makes sense. It was started with a dream as well on that ice planet as well."

Now it's my turn to frown, "What was started with a dream as well?"

"It's a long story. Anyway, back to your little girl. Does she have a freckled face?"

I merely nod.

"Then, it has to be Cassie. You saved her life, she looks up to you."

"And the old man?"

"Is he bald?"

"No, he's half bald."

"It's Dad."

That's strange, "Why would I be dreaming about your Dad?"

He grins, "Who said he's mine? He's yours."

"Then why did you call my Dad 'Dad'..." I trail as the last word came out from my mouth, there is one possible answer that sprung to mind.

"It's an inside joke. You don't want to know." 

"Oh..." I can feel the disappointment and I guess it shows on my face as he looks concerned and asks, "Are you alright?" 

I lower my head, "Yeah, why shouldn't I be? I have two best friends, a cute little girl who looks up to me and a Dad. I have a family and I don't remember them at all." Family, the one thing that I want the most, turns out that I have them after all. A finger rests under my chin and lifts it up, brown eyes greets mine. 

"Don't worry, you'll get the memory back. Even if you don't, we still love you anyway. Don't you ever forget that."

I cannot tear myself away from those eyes. And then I just know that this is the right time to ask the question that is bothering me the most, "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"What are you to me?"

***

Jack looked at the woman in front of him. The question was simple and innocent and yet it was complicated and difficult at the same time.

What is he to her? 

Her team-mate, her comrade in battle, her superior officer, her friend, her shoulder to cry on -- not that she cried a lot -- her place to turn to when things got bad, her secret lover, her ... future?

He never thought that she would ask a question like that, but he always knew what the answer was.

"I cannot say for your behalf what I am to you ... but you are everything to me."

***

Have you ever been to cloud No. 9? No? Me neither. But I believe this is how it would feel like. Delighted doesn't quite cover what I'm feeling right now. I have no care or worry for the world. I have everything that I want in this man. Hes not good with words, I can tell, but his answer can beat any other flattery or compliment that I've ever received.

"Thank you." Sincerely I say it.

"You're welcome." He draws his hand away from my chin and rests it on his side. We fall into a comfortable silence, he is fidgeting with his clothes.

"So..." he starts.

"So..."

He smiles, "I miss this."

"Miss what?"

"Us."

I'm quite sure that I'm blushing at his comment.

"Tell me how we first met." Hoping that he won't notice my embarrassment, I ask him the question.

He grins mischievously, "It's a long story. Let's just say that you made a grand entrance to my world."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, it's not everyday, an intelligence woman walks into my life and challenges me to an arm wrestling straight away."

I can't help but snort, "You're lying."

He catches my arm, "I wouldn't lie to you, Carter. Not now. Not after what we've been through."

There is silence as he lets his words sink in, "What exactly have we been through?" I ask.

"Do you want the short version or the long one?" He lets go of my arm.

I look at him incredulously, "Short first, but I want to hear the long one after that."

It's his turn to look at me incredulously, "Can't you just pick one?"

"I could, but since you kindly offered me two versions, I prefer to hear both." I innocently say.

"Carterrrrrr."

I love the way he calls me Carter, it feels right, "Yes?"

His shoulders slump as he concedes, "Okay, short version. We met, became team-mates, we fought bad aliens together, died once, got resurrected by aliens with funny hair, fought some more bad aliens, rescued Cassie, found out that Alternate Realities really do exist, mind you that they gave us quite a headache, and then ..."

The stories go on and on. Some are sweet and good, some are gruesome and terrible. I was a Goa'uld once, or Tok'ra to be precise. Then he tells me more about Cassie, Janet, General Hammond, Daniel, Teal'c, Dad, Ska'ara, Martouf, Siler, Davies, a bad guy called Senator Kinsey, Apophis, Hathor, Maybourne, Simmons, and the list goes on and on. About the first memory stamp, about the time-loop, about everything. I found myself clinging to his every word. And then as soon as it started, the story is finished.

" ... Dad and Teal'c obviously can't get through the shield because of Junior and Selmac. And I don't want to bring Daniel along, the Cayans know him, I can't risk it."

"So you decided to go alone."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you risk your life to get me back?"

"Silly question," he ruffles my hair, "because it's you."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

He looks at me closely, "So ... are you coming home with me?"

Does he really have to ask? Of course I am. There's no way that I'm letting him go.

He continues, "Because I understand if you say 'no'."

Strange, "Why make you think that I would say 'no'?"

"I know you. That's why?"

"I don't understand."

His eyes darken as he says, "Hunsa."

to be continue

AN: I know … I know. Am trying (note the word 'trying') to write the next part tonight. Thanks to everyone who's been very patient with this story, I've never meant to let it develop this far, but hey, it's done. Might as well go all the way through g. So ... please do send reviews and feedback. It will be cherished, I promise.


	12. Three Men, Three Loves

**Part 12**: **Three Men, Three Loves**

I really have to break this habit of forgetting that I'm a joined woman. Honestly, being around him makes me forget about everything, and even a fool knows that this is not healthy. But if he's not my real husband, there's no real reason why I should stay here, is there?

It's funny how things turn out. Only a few hours ago, I would have done absolutely anything Hunsa wanted, but now? I can't wait to get away from him. He lied to me, he deceived me, how dare he? Making me believe that I was his wife, an unloved wife to add to the matter.

"He lied to me. As far as I'm concerned, he's a jerk."

The man smiles sadly, "Of course there's the people of Cayan. I don't think you'll leave them now, especially when the Goa'uld attack is only six days from now."

Yup, it's official, hanging around him definitely is not healthy. I sigh a heavy sigh, he was right. How can he know me so well, even better than I know myself? And he ... wait, what was his name? I can't believe it, I'm having a conversation with this man for hours and I don't even know his name. 

"What's your name?" I shyly ask.

He's startled at first but then he grins, "Jack, call me Jack."

I can't help but be infected by his grin, "Okay Jack, if you really want me to go home with you, why did you bring these things up?"

Jack reaches my hand and holds it tightly, staring straight into my eyes, "Because I don't want you to regret this, I know you. You want to help these people, that's why I'm willing to wait until the Goa'uld attack is over before taking you home."

"Why do we have to wait for the Goa'uld attack?"

"I have someone who can help us, but he asked for some conditions. One of them is that we're not leaving Cayan before the attack. They might need you if they have trouble with the shield."

That's right, the Tamen might have some fault after I fixed it. No one has the knowledge on how to make these things work but me. A very logical request.

"Six days," I whisper.

He nods, "Six days and then we'll say goodbye to this planet."

Six days and all the lies are over. Six days and I'm home. Six days and I'll get what was taken away from me back.

"It's going to be a very long six days." I mutter.

His hand is still grasped around mine, he drags me, "Come."

"Where?" I follow behind him. He takes us out of the glass house, the rain has stopped and the dusk has approached. 

"There's no way I'm going to let you go back to him. You'll spend the next six days with me."

I let out a smile, somehow the six days don't seem so dreadful now.

***

Ba'ek was surprised when Jack came back to his place with Major Carter. He had expected that the Major would not be so easily persuaded, but Jack had proven him wrong. 

"B, look who I got with me." Jack cheerfully greeted him, closing the door as soon as the two of them entered the simple but comfortable place. There was a sofa in the corner of the place, a wooden table placed right in front of it and a shelf full of books. The room was showed by a soft yellowish light produced by the light bulb. 

"Ba'ek," Major Carter was shocked when she saw him, he could tell from her reaction. He and Kisa were best friends after all, she would not expect him to do the things that he did to her. 

"Major Carter," Ba'ek tried to remain calm, although the thought that he took part in the 'Havus' did not make him comfortable around her.

"He's one of the Grands," the Major gritted her teeth, clearly angered by his presence.

Jack put a hand on her shoulder, "I know. He made a mistake Carter and now he wants to make up for it by helping us get out of here. It's okay, we can trust him."

She looked at him and Ba'ek could see an understanding was passed though the silence. He could see how she trusted him although no further words were exchanged. 

"Major Carter, I am sorry for what I have done to you. But it is done and regretfully I don't have the power to change the past. All I can do now is help you come back home."

She didn't say anything. How Ba'ek wished he could read her mind right now, but the 'Havus' had somehow changed her brain chemistry and made her immune to the Grands' mind-reading ability. Finally, she opened her mouth, "Why do you want to help us?"

"Because I believe it is the right thing to do."

She frowned, "I know you, or at least my memory knows you. There's something you're not telling me."

"Carter?" Jack asked as if he needed assurance.

She turned to face him, "I can't explain it, but he's hiding something. I'm quite sure."

Ba'ek stood and watched them intently, he owed them, "Major Carter is right. There is something more."

Jack shot an angry glare towards him, "And what would that be?"

Ba'ek realised that Jack hated secrets, he needed to know every detail. So, he would tell them everything.

"I will show you."

He walked towards the room, where she was.

***

The room was not too big and was not too small either; it had a bed in the middle of it and was occupied by a woman, and several tubes linked her to a machine next to her bed. Jack couldn't help but notice how pale she looked. She had silky long black hair, and her eyes were closed. Jack was no doctor, but he could see that she had no physical injuries. Before he could say anything, he could feel Sam put her arms around his right arm and hold it close. She was shaking.

"Carter, you alright?" he gently touched her.

She was still shaking, and whispered, "Oh my God. That's me, that's me ..." her eyes were moist as the tears threatened to fall.

"Major Carter is correct, this is Kisa." Ba'ek said carefully, fully aware that Sam had that woman's memory inside her brain. 

Jack moved his arms from her grip so that he could hold her, "Shhh ... Carter. It's alright, it's not you." He chanted to her ears and caressed the back of her head, trying to calm her down, her face buried in his chest. Jack could feel her anger rising, Hell, he could feel his anger increasing as well.

"Who the Hell do they think they are?" she cried out, "Who just the Hell do they think they are?"

"Carter ... shhh ... it's alright. I'm here ... I'm here." Jack tried to soothe her anguish.

She lifted her head and faced him, "What did I do to deserve this? Tell me, what did I do?" tears were streaming down her cheeks.

He put his hands on her face and ran his thumbs to shed the tears, "It's not your fault. Jesus, it's not your fault. Do not think for even a second that it was your fault." Once again he pulled her into his embrace, offering her comfort in the only way that he could. Jack lead her out of the room, knowing that the sight of the woman on the bed was upsetting her a lot. 

She cried herself to sleep. Jack slowly lay her down on the sofa and let her rest. He watched her sleeping face and wondered, was it her Major that was so upset or was it the Cayan's woman? Carter was stronger than that, he expected the anger, but he didn't anticipate the outburst. The memory stamp did change her to certain extent. He was afraid of that, what if the change is permanent? She wouldn't be the Carter that he once knew. Could he still have feelings towards her? Could she still feel the same way about him? 

He let his hand run though her hair and played with it. He noticed that it had grown a little, making her more feminine, more vulnerable, more fragile, more ... different. He got lost in his thoughts. She didn't deserve this. She's been though a lot, she deserved his faith now, more than ever. He would not let her go through this alone, not while he's still breathing.

Jack could hear the door opening, and he turned around to see Ba'ek come out from the room. Ba'ek looked at the man, "I apologize. I should have informed you about what was inside the room." 

Jack wanted to shout, he wanted to hit him for making Sam so upset, but the look on Ba'ek's face stopped him dead in his tracks. There was pain and regret so deep that it reminded him of himself when he found his son was killed by his own gun. 

"You love her." it was not an accusation, but Ba'ek lowered his head in shame.

"She was the most incredible person I have ever known." Ba'ek confessed.

"You love her." Jack pressed.

Ba'ek shakes his head, "What do you want me to say?"

"The real reason why you wanted to help us."

Ba'ek turned to face the door of the room, "Because I did something dreadful and now I am living with the consequences."

"What consequences? Watching the one you love slip away because of some politic game?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"I could of prevented this from happening, but I let my fears blind me." Jack could only see his back as Ba'ek's eyes were still fixed on the door. 

Jack returned his gaze to the woman sleeping next to him, he knew what Ba'ek was talking about, "And the guilt is eating you alive day by day." 

"Yes, watching Major Carter everyday reminds me of my failure. She is Kisa, but she's not."

Jack touched her face. She is Carter, but she's not. 

The two men had their backs facing each other, but they understood each other more than anyone could imagine.

"What's going to happen to her?" Jack asked.

"To Kisa?"

"Yeah."

"I do not know. The 'Havus' was highly forbidden, we have not practiced it in decades."

"Why are you the one who gets to keep her body? Isn't Hunsa her husband?"

Ba'ek lets out a cynical chuckle, their backs still facing each other, "Hunsa is a man of honour. He chose his partner based on how she could contribute to our people."

"You mean he doesn't care about her?"

"He cares about her, only when she can perform her duty."

"What about her?"

Ba'ek swallowed a nervous gulp, "She ... she loves him."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Do you love her?"

"I care a great deal about her. But love her? I do not know. I honestly do not know."

"To me, you sound like you do."

Ba'ek didn't answer straight away, "Yes, I might."

"Good for you."

"Are you trying to mock me, Jack?"

"No, I really think it's good for you."

"How can you say that? She doesn't love me back." Ba'ek's voice was harsh.

"It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because when you love someone, she brings the best out in you. Isn't that the real reason why you helped us? Because you love her?"

Jack adverted his eyes to Ba'ek's back, he was still staring at the door, no doubt thinking about the woman inside it. Jack waited patiently for the other man's answer.

"Yes, she does." Jack could've sworn that he could see the smile on Ba'ek's face.

***

Hunsa was worried, Kisa did not come home last night. He searched the glass house – where he had seen her last-- but he only found the book about stars, no sign of her. He asked some other residences of the 'Utama' complex, but no one had seen her as well. She just simply disappeared.

Did it have anything to do with the ship that was in their orbit? Was it her people trying to get her back? Major Carter did believe that her people would do anything to get to her. But he ignored the warning, the Great Ring was blocked and Earth didn't have the technology to reach Cayan. He clenched his fist, he was sure that Kisa's feelings for him would mean that she would never leave Cayan. So her people might have to use some force to subdue her. He could not allow it. She was important for Cayan, she was the only one who could fix the Tamen. She was an invaluable asset to Cayan.

"Guard," he called one of the men standing outside his office. The man left his post and approached him.

"Find Kisa! She might have been taken by force. Search the complex and alert the others." He gave the order. The guard didn't need to be told twice, everyone inside the complex knew how important she was to their survival. He bowed his head and complied to Hunsa's order.

***

to be continue

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/


	13. The Woman

**Part 13: The Woman **

~*~

_"Would you like to receive the honor of becoming my partner?" _

_She stared at the man dumbfounded, never in her wildest dreams would she imagine him asking her the question. The 'honor'. She searched for reassurance in his green eyes, making sure that she was not in fact dreaming. But the eyes were focused and distanced, prompting hesitation and questions inside her mind._

_"Kisa?" the man asked once again, there was urgency in his tone. He expected her answer straight away, a Grand was not familiar to the concept of waiting._

_She clasped her hands together, rubbing them against each other to channel her nervousness, "This is a big decision. I need time to think, Grand." She bowed her head, hoping that the gesture would reflect that she did not mean disrespect, she just needed more time to think about it._

_"What is there left to think about?" he asked in confusion, "Do you not have feelings towards me?" She could sense a hint of arrogance in his tone. He did have the ability to read minds._

_She blushed, "Yes, I have. But ..." what about his? Did he also harbor the same feelings towards her?_

_He put a hand on her cheek and lifted her face so that they saw eye to eye, "Do not concern yourself with it, it's my problem. I would not have asked if I do not consider you as worthy."_

_Her heart leaped, she had trouble breathing. He would not take 'no' for an answer and a part of her wanted to say 'yes' so badly, but another part of her contemplated. He drew his face closer to her and placed a chaste kiss on her lips, and that was when her defense crumbled._

_With a trembling voice, she answered, "I would be honored."_

_---_

_"You accepted his proposal?"_

_"Yes."_

_"It was not like you."_

_"I love him."_

_"But he does not."_

_"..."_

_"Kisa, you need to think about this."_

_"There is no time."_

_"Why the rush?"___

_"This is what he wanted, I could not persuade him to wait."_

_"You still can back away from this."_

_"No, I can't."_

_"Why not?"___

_"I have already given him my word and the preparation has already started."_

_"I see."_

_"What do you think about this?"_

_"..."_

_"Please, I need to know."_

_"Does my opinion matter to you?"_

_"Of course, you are my friend."_

_"... then I wish you all the best."_

_"Thank you."_

_"I need to know something."_

_"Yes?"_

_"If you know that he doesn't love you, why do you go along with this?"_

_"Because I want to believe, Ba'ek."___

_"In what?"___

_"That I can make him love me."___

~*~

My eyes snap open. This is the first dream that I actually had about myself in a long time. Wait, it's not about me, it's about 'Kisa'. The woman who was lying comatose next door, whose life had been snatched away so cruelly by her own partner and so-called-friend, whose memory I had right now. I hate Hunsa, I despise him, I want to tear his heart out of his ribcage by my own bare hands. How can a man be so cold? How can a woman be so blinded by love? My eyes are moist, NO ... I will NOT let him get to me, he doesn't deserve the tear. I will NOT be broken by him.

"Carter?" a soft voice distracted me from my thoughts. I turn my head to where the voice originated, a concerned look welcomes me; it calms me down somehow. We are snuggled together on a bed, inside one of Ba'ek's guest rooms. I recognized it ... NO, not 'I'. 'Kisa' had spent some nights here. Jack must have brought me here, because the last thing I remember is crying all over him.

"Did I wake you up?" sending him my most apologetic expression, I shift so that my body rested on my side. Using my right arm, I put my elbow on the bed and support my head with my hand.

He looks drowsy, and he rubs his eyes with one of his hands, "Yeah, but it's okay. Your body went rigid for a moment there. What's wrong?"

He woke up just because my body went rigid? Hunsa would not budge even if I left the bed. "I'm dreaming again."

"Yeah? About what?" he takes my left hand and squeezes it gently.

"About me ... I mean about Kisa."

"And?"

"It's the first time that I dreamed about ... her." I tread carefully.

He chuckles a little, "You don't have to push yourself. I know that she still has a strong hold on you, it's alright not to differ yourself from her."

How can he be so understanding? Doesn't he realize what he's doing to me? He makes me want to get back to my old self so badly, to remember everything about him, to make me want him and him only. I know that my feelings for Hunsa are not mine, but it's so real, it's so strong. The only time I forget about him is when I'm with Jack. 

Jack ... the name is so strange to my lips and yet it feels right when I say it. He always had that satisfied - very close to smug - look on his face everytime I called his name. And it brings me pleasure, to know that I can inflict such a reaction from him.

"Thanks, but I need to do this. I want to separate myself from Kisa."

He smiles, "Why doesn't it surprise me?"

I returned his smile. We don't say anything for a while, he is still holding my hand and our gazes are still locked. Slowly, I get up from the bed and pull him up with me.

"What ya' doin?" he groans in protest but follows me anyway.

"I want to watch the stars, would you like to come with me?" I head towards the window, letting go of his hand, and I open the partition between the room and the outdoors. Unlike the one I have in my room, the window in Ba'ek's room is not fitted with glass and relatively small. But it doesn't matter, the 'Utama' complex is built on the top of a hill, the whole complex is perfect for stargazing. The stars never cease to amaze me, no matter how many times I've seen them, they always look beautiful. 

The now-opened window allows the gentle night breeze to swirl inside the room. I put my arms around myself in an attempt to get warm. A pair of strong arms wraps around me, and I can feel his body resting on my back. I tilt my head back and let it rest on his shoulder, feeling so comfortable in his presence. 

"Hey, I talked to your Dad, when you were sleeping."

Dad? Oh yeah, he is in orbit with my other friends on a Cargo ship.

"What did he say?"

"Well, he's obviously unhappy about the fact that you've gone through this, but he wants you to hold on. He's going to search an inhabitable planet in this solar system to hide, the Goa'uld will come here in 5 days time. He doesn't want to hang around when they come. But they're coming back here as soon as they leave."

"Are we going home with them?"

"No, but they just want to make sure everything is alright before abandoning us here."

"I see. Did Ba'ek say anything about how we're going to leave Cayan?"

"Yeah. Through the Stargate."

"Stargate?"

"Well, you called it the Great Ring."

"Oh ..."

"Apparently, they did not bury the Stargate, they have a device to block the incoming wormhole."

"Yes, the 'Sumbat', it's just a small conductor, absorbing all the energy from the ring so that the ring itself will not have enough energy to form the connection. Of course, the energy generated by the ring is very great, so it needs an enormous energy cell to prevent the overloading and ..."

"Ah ... Carter." He tries to cut my explanation.

"Yes?" Normally, I would be very annoyed if someone interrupted my lecture, but there's something about him that makes me smile instead.

"There's one important little thing that you need to know about me."

"What is it?"

"I don't understand a single word of your technobabble. So, no need to waste your breath explaining some very advanced alien doohickey to me."

Despite the use of several terms that I don't understand, I found myself giggling at his comment.

"Yes, Sir."

Sir? What was that? Why did I say that?

"Sir ..." he trails as he repeated my sentence. There is regret in his voice.

"Why did I call you that?" My curiosity gets the better of me.

"Nothing to be worried about now." he quickly dismisses the issue. We lapse into the comfortable silence once again. I concentrate on the black sky, on the glistering of thousands of shining sparkles.

"Jack?"

"Yeah."

"Have you ever heard the stars speak?"

He's laughing at that, and I feign annoyance, "Hey, I'm being serious here."

"Sorry, sorry. I just never thought that I would hear that question from you."

I frown, "Why not?"

"Let's just say that wishful thinking and you don't belong in the same sentence."

"Is that a compliment or an insult?"

"Compliment, definitely, compliment."

"Then why are you still laughing?" I elbow his rib not so gently.

That successfully stops him from laughing, "Okay ... sorry. I'm not laughing anymore, see. Anyway, why do you ask?"

I sigh, dare I tell him about it? I don't want to be laughed at again, "Forget it."

He plants a kiss on the top of my head, "Come on, I promise I won't laugh."

It's very tempting, to tell him everything there is to know about me, so that he could understand me, "Sometimes ... sometimes I can hear them."

"The stars?"

"Yes."

"What do they say?"

"They say 'goodnight' to me."

"Really?"

"Yes. And somehow it helps me. Every night after the incident in the lab ... no, after I got my memory stamped, I always woke up before dawn, looked up at the stars and waited for them to say 'goodnight' to me. It sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

I try to let myself free from his arms, but he tightened his grip, "No, it's not."

I feel that I needed to tell him the reason why, I don't want him to think that I'm strange. "It's just that ... when I waited for them to speak, I had hope. I don't know what for, but it was hope. I'm not out of my mind or anything, but it's the only time when I don't feel alone."

"I understand, more than you know I understand."

That surprised me, I turn my head so that I can look directly into his eyes, "You do? How?"

***

Jack stared at the confused blue eyes. It never crossed his mind that their little encounter that night could imprint so deep inside her memory. But it gave him a glimpse of hope, she remembered her past more that she knew. He smiled at her.

"Because every night I send a message through the stars."

Her eyebrows raised, "You do?"

"Yes."

"What's the message?" she appeared to be genuinely interested.

He lowered his head, nudging her head to be back to its original position, facing the sky. He put his mouth as close as possible to her ear without touching it and whispered softly.

"Goodnight."

She was stunned at first, he knew that she was making the connection. After a few seconds, he could see her smile, but it was a sad one. And then a single tear fell down from her eye. That shocked him. He spun her around so that they were facing each other.

"Carter, what's wrong? Is it something that I said?" his voice was full of worry. 

She covers her face with her hands. 

"I want to remember, Jack. I want to remember so much it hurts. But I can't, no matter how much I try." She was shaking. He couldn't help but pull her into his arms.

"Shh ... don't worry about it. You'll get it back. Don't beat yourself up over this." He ran his hand up and down her back. Five years of his time with Major Carter and he counted himself lucky if once a year he caught her crying, but two days with 'Kisa' and he caught her crying once a day. He could not wait to get back to Earth. 

"But it's not fair for you."

"What do you mean?"

She drew her hands away, "I can't believe that I'm so selfish. I don't have a memory of you, of us. Are you saying that it does not hurt you? It's easier for me to deal with this because I don't remember. But what about you?"

Jack looked at the woman in front of him, she was upset because she thought that he was hurt. Trust her to worry about someone else when it was really her that needed attention. 

"Carter," he put his hands on both sides of her face and forced her to look him in the eye, "You trust me even though you have no memories of me. It meant more than anything."

"Really?" she blinked her eyes. She was uncertain, but Jack was determined to let her know that he was more than alright. 

"Yes. I don't care if you don't get your memories back. We can always make new ones, we can make them even better than the old ones. With the whole castle, white horses and the shining armor thingies. I could always endure a little bit of clichés now and again for you." He shed her tears and pulled her back inside his arms. She was chuckling despite the tears.

After she managed to calm down, she looked up to him, "Jack."

"Yes?"

"Make love to me."

to be continued

Please send reviews and feedbacks … :)

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/


	14. Time

Part 14: Time

Er ...

What did I just say?

...

Did I really just say that? How can I be so stupid? Saying such a thing. 

But I couldn't help it, those words just kind of ... slipped from my tongue. I have to take it back. I have to apologize ...

"Carter" The way he calls me stops me dead on my train of thought. His voice is calming, caring and full of tenderness, but it doesn't fool me; he was disturbed by my request.

I want to say 'Forget about it', I want to say 'I didn't mean it', I want to say 'I was just joking' I want to say 'Don't worry', I want to say 'Sorry', I want to say 'You don't have to do that'; there are a lot of things that I wanted to say. But I cannot say it, because those are lies. And I could not lie ... not to him. Instead, I found myself waiting anxiously for his answer. 

His eyes are clouded with fears and qualms, searching for something inside of me. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and then slowly shakes his head. When he opens his window of his soul, I find a determination there - a reassurance of a past promise, he puts his hands on my arms and holds them tight, "Only God knows how much I want you ... " and I thought I could not possibly love him anymore, he just proved me wrong. As soon as my hope gets high, he continues, "but not like this."

Not like this? What was that suppose to mean? I should've been angry, I should've been upset, Hell, I think I'm even entitled to slap him. But the look on his face just makes me realise something. Before I can comprehend the inkling, my heart yells 'because he wants *her*, not me.'

I cannot help but be jealous of 'her', of the woman that he loves so much, of the person that he highly spoke about, of the relationship that they had, and of all the times that they had shared. Suddenly I feel really lost, who exactly am I? I'm not 'Kisa' and I'm not 'Carter' either. I lower my head and bit the inside of my lower lip. He *does not* want me. I need to clear my head and get over it. 

The need getaway from him makes me step back and try to break our contact. "I need sometime on my own," I say as I push him away with my arms and turn my head to look at anywhere but him. The grip on my arms tightened, he is hurt and confused by my action, I know that. Although I take no pride on the fact that it was me who did it, I cannot bring myself to comfort him either, he is not the only one who is hurting. 

"Please," I plead to him in a weak voice, I'm not even sure that he can hear me. It cannot be more that a few seconds, but it feels like eternity when he finally releases his hold on me and walks quietly away from the room. As soon as the door closes, I make a move towards it. My forehead is leaning gently to the wooden partition while my hands do just the same. I feel like the air is being sucked out from my lungs. 

I'm tired of fighting an unseen battle. I'm tired of feeling uncertain and unbalanced. But most of all, I'm tired of being unwanted. Hunsa did what he did because he doesn't love me, Ba'ek did what he did because he doesn't think that I'm worthy enough as a friend, and Jack ... he said what he said because he doesn't want me. I know he didn't do anything terrible to me, but I couldn't help but convict him with the same crime as what the Grands had committed. The crimes of playing games with my heart and for making me feel worthless. However, I don't hate him ... I can't.

I hate myself.

***

Jack stood with his back against the door, arms crossed, eyes closed, head tilted back. He wanted to say 'yes', he wanted to show her how much she really meant to him, he wanted to touch and kiss her senseless, he wanted to make passionate love to her, he wanted to hear her say his name in a breathless voice ... but he couldn't. Not if they were going to regret the decision. He knew that he was being unfair to her, but he had to be cruel to be kind. He just hoped that she would understand and forgive him. 

Not that he deserved it.

He put both of his hands to cover his face. Guilt and despair washed over him. He hadn't told her *everything* about their relationship. He was afraid that if he told her about the regulations that stand between them, there would an invisible distance between them. He enjoyed it when her soft voice called him 'Jack', when she looked at him with desire in her eyes, when she was not hesitated to show him her emotion, and most of all he enjoyed it when she let him protect her. He took pleasure in her lack of memory.

"God, what have I done?" he said to himself in the darkness of night.

He was being a self-centred ignorant, egotistic jerk, and he knew it. It seemed like harmless indulgence a few moments ago, but now, he had to pay the price. He had made her suffer. Something that he swore he would never *ever* do. He mentally kicked himself.

"I hate myself."

***

Five days had past. Slowly. 

Day by day I spent my time building a wall for my emotion. Jack and I didn't discuss that conversation again. I guess we have that silent agreement that it was a 'closed' subject, the one that should never have been brought up. Somehow, I find it easier to do just that, to pretend that it never happened. Of course, we aren't as close as we were before that night. 

But time does funny things to people, it changes them, I don't blindly trust him now. I took what he said as a reference of some sort, I realised that I had only his words. He knows me, that was for sure, but is he the man he claimed to be? Is he as sincere as he appeared to be?

Time also make me think. I can't stay in Cayan, there were too many heartaches here. I can't trust Hunsa and Ba'ek anymore, and the same can be said to the rest of the population. I'll take my chance and go back to 'Earth', to where my family are. And I'll just decide what my next step will be then. 

Ba'ek told me that in order to erase the memory stamp, all I have to do is just skip the treatment that I have to receive every 20 days. My next treatment is in 6days time, I'll be on Earth by then. So it shouldn't be a problem. He also said that my real memory will resurface gradually, while Kisa's will fade as the result. That suits me well. I just want to get back to my normal self. 

Jack and I spent those 5 days inside Ba'ek's house, safe from the search party that Hunsa had assembled. Ba'ek is a Grand after all, they wouldn't dare to search his house without strong evidence. Although Ba'ek said that he had tried to convince the other man that we - Jack and I - had left Cayan with Dad's ship, but Hunsa didn't want to believe that. And I never expected him to do otherwise, he is smart. I guess he knew that there was no way that I could get onto that ship. Not when it was still in orbit. 

Sometimes, I slipped into the room where Kisa laid and forced myself to stare at her lifeless body, to convince myself that 'Kisa' is history and that it is only her memory that I have in my mind. The ache was vivid, but each time I did that, it is easier to look at her as another woman. The more I can identify myself as someone else. Someone else but 'Kisa'.

Jack caught me once. I was in the room, standing next to the bed when he came in. I guessed he was looking for me. He said nothing and I wasn't crying, he just put his arms around me and rocked me gently. He understood. But of course, we never brought up this matter as well. 

So, we are strangers once more, speaking to each other only when it was deemed necessary. Even then, the words were carefully tailored. I was afraid the he would hurt me once more and I guess he felt the same. 

Ba'ek noticed the change as well, I knew it from the way he looked at me. There was sadness in his eyes, and he apologized once more in his own way. I think I don't hate him anymore now, I came to my senses and see the bigger picture. He is a leader, he had to set aside his own feelings and made a hard decision. And I had to admit, if I'm not the victim, I would have had no objection with his action. I just wished that he didn't keep it as a secret. 

It makes me shiver, the thought that I could be so malicious. As long as it was not done to me, I feel OK with it. I let out a sigh. 

If I were in his shoes, I would do the same. 

It just shows me how hypocritical I really am. 

No wonder that Jack doesn't want me.

***

The whole city was in an eerie silence, the Cayans were waiting restlessly for the attack to come. The Goa'uld's mother ship was spotted approaching their orbit last night. It should've arrived by now. Hunsa stood in front of the big windows in his room. The exact same window where the 'new' Kisa had used to watch the stars before dawn. He never let her know that he was watching her all the time. 

She was his and he had to keep an eye on what was his. 

Hunsa let his mind wonder, unlike most of his people, he felt safe. He had full confidence in Kisa ability. The Tamen was working and they were protected. Suddenly, there was red lightning on the blue sky. The attack has begun. There was no sound, just flashes of red light from above. The red streak on the sky travelled south and then after a while it dispersed into a giant magenta blemish on the sky, before it completely disappeared. 

Hunsa was a man who appreciates art, and he considered this as a masterpiece. The effect of the attack on the force field was absolutely stunning. A scenery that no man could have ever created. There was another strike from the Goa'uld. Another red lightning, another blemish, another picture of perfection. Hunsa enjoyed the excitement that built up in his stomach. A feeling that always been there since he saw the first Goa'uld attack. 

He still remembered it clearly. He was merely a boy, his father -- who was also a Grand at his time was with him watching the attack. The effects were always different every time, his Father said that it was because the Goa'uld used different weapons for each time. His Father had made him promise to do anything required to keep the Tamen working, it was the only way for the Cayans to survive. He took his Father words by heart. Even though in his young age, Hunsa had already been taught responsibility. 

It was *his* responsibility to protect his people.

It was *his* responsibility to keep the Tamen working.

It was *his* responsibility to do everything to make sure that he accomplish his purpose.

It was *his* responsibility to keep this work of art from extinction.

That was why he ordered the 'Havus' at the first place. Although his conscience sometimes woke him up at night, he had to do it. Kisa was his partner, he had chosen her carefully. The partner of a Grand had to be intelligent and respected. Even though she was an orphan, she earned her place in the high class society. She was the perfect woman for him, the one that could serve and add something more to his vision. He had missed her company, but it wasn't something that he couldn't handle.

Time flew by, the attack had stopped. The sky was back to its natural undisturbed blue color. Hunsa lingered in his place, knowing that the thrill was still running in his body. He let the sensation wash over him. In the distance, he could hear people cheering. The Cayan had made it though. 

Thanks to him ... and Major Carter. 

He had to find her, he knew that she was still here somewhere in Cayan. Ba'ek had speculated that the Cargo ship that had came 6 days ago was her people trying to safe her and they had succeed. But Hunsa knew better, the ship couldn't penetrate the shield and there was no space ship in Cayan. She couldn't have been in that ship when it had fled from Cayan's orbit. 

She was still here and he had to find her and keep her here. 

No matter what.

***

Jack's eyes were still on the sky. He was laying on his back with his sunglasses on -- to protect his eyes from the sun, on the rooftop of Ba'ek house. The attack had stopped but he couldn't tear himself apart from it. From a far, he could hear exclamations of relief and joy. And it was his Major that had made it possible. He was partly glad of all this. 

She saved the world, again, albeit that it wasn't their world, but Cayan was still a world. The thought made him smile. Some things never change. She saved them, she made the force field generator thingy work. That's it, finished, the end, full stop, close the curtains. She had done her part. Tomorrow, she would be back on Earth, where she belongs. He would personally see to it. 

And then he would make things right ... for her sake.

***

to be continue

Please do send reviews and feedback.


	15. Tell

**Part 15: Tell**

The plan is simple. We'll head towards the Great Ring and disable the 'Sumbat', punch in the Earth coordinates on the Ring's Panel - or the DHD as Jack put it - and then say goodbye to Cayan. Ba'ek said that Hunsa had put more Guards on the Tamen's generator. He is convinced that we will escape using the ship, not the Ring. But I can't help but feel cautious. And Jack feels the same too.

Jack has communicated with my Dad again. Dad said that he would hang around in the Cayan's orbit for a while to draw the attention from the Ring. Daniel and Teal'c are already back on Earth, they found another Ring on the planet they were hiding on and decided to use that to get back home. To wait for us there and inform Hammond - the General from Texas - about our situation.

It is simple.

We snuck out from Ba'ek's house very late at night, hoping that the city was asleep and no one would notice me. The Ring is located in an open space, a little bit outside the city. Four buildings - all of them are ruins, but still in good condition - surround it. There was speculation that the Goa'uld used the buildings as their post and for naquada storage during the mining period. 

There are six men guarding the Ring, they are laughing and joking in an attempt to stay awake. Several oil lamps are situated near them, providing illuminating light. Jack is checking the area, scanning for unexpected trouble, making sure that there are no more nasty surprises. So, Ba'ek and I are left alone, inside one of the buildings, sitting right under one of the windows, peeking now and again at the Ring. 

I can't wait to go home.

There are butterflies in my stomach, nervousness like I never felt before. The glance of the Ring mixes my expectations and fear perfectly, hopes and desperation are fighting against each other inside me. 

"Major Carter." Ba'ek whispers.

Carefully, I tear myself from the window, lowering my head slowly and turned around to face him, "Yes."

The sight of him is somehow calming, he was - maybe still is - Kisa's best friend. He looks determined, "I'll get you home. Don't worry."

I reach for his hand and squeeze it, and with all honesty I tell him, "Thank you."

He squeezes back slightly and then he sighs, "I just wish that you didn't have to experience all this in the first place."

He's feeling guilty, for what has happened to me and to Kisa. I pull my hand from him and put it on his shoulder, "I forgive you ... and so does she." 

He's smiling sadly, "I don't deserve it."

I sit still for a while, thinking on how I can convince him that he is wrong, "Guilt is one strong feeling, Ba'ek. It is more persistent than hate and more dangerous than terminal disease. It can bring a great man his downfall." I look straight into his blue eyes, praying that he took my words seriously and would think about it. I take his silence as a 'yes' and then continue, "Don't let it win. You're stronger than that."

He is stagnant for a moment and then smiles sincerely, "Thank you."

I draw my hand away from him, "You're welcome. And don't you ever say that you don't deserve it again. Everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter what."

He doesn't say anything, but I know that some of his burden had been lifted from the way he relaxes, "What about Jack?" 

This is not how I imagined the conversation to turn out, I turn around and start to peek through the window again. Trying to sound uninterested, I ask him, "What about him?" 

"You blame him for something and push him away." I can hear Ba'ek's voice from behind.

"I don't blame him," I tell him the truth. 

"But you're pushing him away. That is what Kisa does when she blames someone."

I can't think of anything to say. 

Ba'ek continues, "I don't know Major Carter, but please, don't let Kisa's feelings get between you two. Jack does not understand Kisa like I do. He might have said or did something to upset her. Jack is ..." he pauses for a while, "He does not deserve Kisa's anger ... Major Carter and Jack are suffering because of it."

He is right.

'Major Carter and Jack' are suffering. Thanks to me and my self pity and my egotistic nature. I wanted so bad to be part of 'Major Carter and Jack' and when I was refused my desire, I was angered, and Jack was unfortunate enough to be there and received the butt-end of my fury. 

What have I done? I was being irrational, childish and cruel. 

"Kisa ..." the use of that name made me cringe mentally, "have faith in him."

No matter how much I want to believe that I'm not 'Kisa', the truth still stands, I am her. Just with an additional blur of memories and a different body. Unconsciously my hand clenches tightly and suddenly the ground is more interesting than anything else, "What's wrong with me, Ba'ek? Why wouldn't anyone love me?" 

I receive no answer.

Not because he didn't have one, but because several guards are barging inside the building. We can hear the footsteps closing in, they are checking and searching the building. Instinctively, I stand up and hunt for a hiding place with my eyes. There is none. The room we are currently in is pretty bland, unfurnished yet spacious. Ba'ek has already stood up too, and he peers through the door.

"You better go now." he says in an urgent tone.

I look up at the only escape from the room, the window. Not the window facing the Ring, but the other one, the one on the left side of it. There is no other way.

"WE better go now." I caught the back of his collar and drag him slightly away from the door. Before we reach the destination, he shakes himself free.

"No, you go. I will try slowing them down." He insists.

Confused and bewildered, I stare at him, "What?"

He takes both of my hands and says, "I'll try to distract them, you better go and look for Jack ... I wish that the two of you will make it." And with that he spins around and runs out of the room before I can say a thing. I hesitate for a while, I can not just leave him like that, but eventually I approach the window and climb out. Luckily, the room is on the ground floor. 

Trying to be as quiet as possible, I creep away from the building. It's a dark and silent night, and the air is warm and humid. I think it's going to rain soon, the thick clouds hide the moon and the stars perfectly. Slowly, I head for the line of trees just between the building and the adjacent one. Spotting the biggest tree around, I make a move to take a cover behind it. 

With my back against it, I try to catch my breath. Glancing at the building where I was just a moment ago, I can see that Ba'ek and the guards are coming out from there now. I hope that he could give a believable reason on why he was in there. A clatter from afar draws my attention away from him. I turn and press my front as closely to the tree now as I can, try my best to blend with the environment. 

It's Hunsa.

He is standing right in front of the Ring. The Guards are crowded next to him, they are trying to subdue something ... or someone. My heart skips a bit, it can't be. Please, don't let it be him. Don't let it be Jack. My eyes are fixed to the sight before me. The other group of guards approach them, with Ba'ek lagging slightly behind them. Run, I mutter quietly to him. Not that he can hear me, but I still do it. Please Ba'ek, run before Hunsa can see you. If it is really Jack, then Hunsa knows about your willingness to help us.

"Kisa." 

Who is that? I was startled; but the voice was soft and gentle, there was no malice in the tone. I spin around to see a familiar figure behind me. It is dark, but the silhouette is enough to let me recognise the person standing right in front of me.

"What do you want?" not wanting to attract unnecessary attention towards our direction, I whisper. I'm in trouble now. Big trouble.

"Let me help you." A hand is offered to me, asking me -- presenting me with a chance. I'm not sure if I want to take it, but I have no choice. However, I need to ask, "Why do you want to help me?"

The hand is still waiting for my acceptance, "Because Ba'ek has let me see the truth." I can't think of a better answer. Casting one last glance at the Ring and the people around it, I find out that my fear has come true. It is Jack. Hunsa has managed to capture him. Damn. Slowly, I turn around and close my eyes. 

Calm down! Don't go panicking now! I can do this. Jack and Ba'ek need my help. 

When I open my eyes, the sight of the outstretched hand gives me strength. I'm not alone. 

I take a step forward and nod briefly, "Lead the way."

The hand is lowered, "Come."

***

"Well, this just ... sucks." 

Ba'ek's head rose towards the man that had just spoken. His lips twitched, over the last few days that he had known Jack, he became more and more 'in tune' with Jack's sense of humor. And in some strange way, he was amused by Jack's ability to make him feel better despite their circumstances.

They were in a holding cell. A room with only one door, no windows, no air vents, no nothing. The cemented floor was cold, but they sat on it anyway. Jack in the right corner of the door, no doubt preparing himself for a break out if an opportunity presented itself. Meanwhile, Ba'ek was in the opposite corner. Their backs were against the wall.

Jack sighed dramatically, "I'm hungry. Do you know when they're going to bring our breakfast?" he rubbed his stomach.

Ba'ek was not only amused now, he was curious as well, "How come you are so calm about this?"

Jack just shrugged, "Well B, let's just say that prison and me go way waaaaay back. At least here, they're not going to put a bullet or even a snake in my head. No real reason to be anxious ... yet."

"You are very optimistic."

"I have a good reason for that."

Ba'ek was relieved, "You do?"

"Yeah." Jack answered casually.

"What is it?"

Jack smiled knowingly, "Carter's still out there. She'll figure something out and bust our butts out of here in the speed of light, you won't even feel it."

The Cayan's Grand smiled too. Jack was right. Major Carter was a very resourceful individual, she would be able to get them out of the holding cell. 

Ba'ek couldn't help but wonder, what had made Jack and Major Carter so special, so trusting, and so full of faith with each other. Why couldn't he and Kisa be like them? Why couldn't he make Kisa see that there *is* someone who loves her? Someone who would do anything for her in a hearbeat, who would protect her and care for her, who wouldn't take her for granted. Why?

"Jack?"

Jack's head tilted up, "Yeah?"

"How do you make someone know that you love her?"

There was a hint of teasing in Jack's tone, "You could always tell her. That's the simplest one."

Ba'ek chuckled softly in irony, "If only it was that simple."

"Why not?"

Silence encased the room. Ba'ek broke their eye contact and found something to focus on the ceiling, "She belongs to someone else."

Jack didn't buy it for a second, "Well, what about telling her *before* she belongs to someone else."

"She ..." the twinge in his voice was not hard to miss, "she belonged to him long before they were joined. Before I even knew her."

"I don't get that." 

"She had always loved him for as long as I could remember. Long before I became aware of my feelings for her." 

"So?"

Ba'ek gazed at the other man questioningly. Jack took the hint and explained his remark, "B, whatever the circumstances, you can always tell someone that you love her."

"If I told her, I would trouble her."

"Yes, she would be troubled, but you would be there for her to see her through. I mean, look at me, I'm not allowed to act on my feelings towards Carter, but I still told her ... no matter what the consequences, because she deserved to know. We worked things out. I don't want to have any regrets between us, not when we both could lose each other easily. Travelling the universe on a daily basis doesn't exactly fall into a non-life threatening occupation." 

A small smile played on Ba'ek's lips, "You are indeed a wise man."

"Just don't tell anyone, it'll ruin my reputation."

***

The door opened, and Jack was getting ready to take his chance when he heard someone say, "Please go to the end of the room, Colonel." He sighed and then started to walk towards where Ba'ek was seated. The younger man stood up, he knew who was coming. "It's Hunsa," he informed Jack. And then a figure entered the room, followed by several guards.

Hunsa couldn't hide his disgust, and he spat, "Ba'ek, your behaviour was very inappropriate for a Grand."

Jack took a moment to observe the man, this was their first close encounter. He had a presence, a charismatic persona, the 'must have' quality of a great leader. Too bad he had the tendency to look down on other people, that much Jack could gather from him. 

"I am only doing what is right." Ba'ek answered icily.

"Right? You are endangering our society." Hunsa snapped.

"Endangering our society? By doing what? I'm only helping these people to go back home." Ba'ek sent a killer glare towards the other Grand. Jack's respect went up several notches, he had never seen Ba'ek so ... *cool*. He wasn't afraid of that Hun-guy. 

"You know as well as I do that he can go home, but not Kisa." Hunsa said through gritted teeth.

"She's not Kisa, she's Major Carter. And we don't have the right to keep her here. She belongs with her people." Ba'ek said through gritted teeth, his self-restraint was admirable to say the least. 

"Not anymore she doesn't. She's Kisa now, and she is mine."

Jack decided that enough was enough, and he stepped between the two Grands, "Okay Hun-boy, BACK OFF. She doesn't belong to anyone, and she -- believe it or not is not Kisa. Get over it." He made an advancing gesture towards him, ready to connect his right hook to the leader's face when Ba'ek's hand held him back. The guard's reaction was slow, Jack could've beat the crap out of him if Ba'ek hadn't interfered.

"Jack ... let me deal with this." His friend's voice had a cold water effect on Jack's emotions. Jack could see Hunsa's fear in his eyes, he might be a great leader, but violence was not his virtue.

"If you say one more word about her being yours, you're history, do you understand me!" he waved his index finger to the man in front of him. Jack didn't wait for the reply, he stepped back and let Ba'ek do his 'stuff'. 

Ba'ek cast his fellow Cayan a glance, "Guards, I ask you to be a witness. I, Ba'ek, the Grand of Cayan, request a Musya."

There were a lot of gasps inside the room.

"A what?" Jack found himself asking Ba'ek for an explanation.

"You can not do that." Hunsa cut Ba'ek off from replying to Jack's question.

Ba'ek ignored him and looked at the guards instead, "You hear me, I am still a Grand after all. Announce it throughout the city, a Musya will be held in the town house by the request of Ba'ek. We will hold it tomorrow, when the sun is rising."

"You CAN NOT do that." Hunsa repeated.

Jack was grinning, whatever the Mushy thingy was, it must be good, "Apparently, he can." 

The guards hesitated for a while, but then one of them stepped forwards and bowed, "I will make the announcement." Before Hunsa could say anything, the guard was already hot on his heels. 

Hunsa snarled at them, "The Cayans will vote in my favour."

Ba'ek stood his ground, "Then you don't have anything to be worried about. Now, leave us alone. We want to prepare for the Musya."

"Fine. But I want to talk to the Colonel in private." The angry man ordered his guards, "Bring him to my private chamber. Put a restraint on him."

Jack didn't like where this was going. Four brawny guards approached him, ready to use physical force if necessary to get their order done. "Jack, it's alright." Ba'ek assured his friend, "He just wants to talk. Go with him."

Jack rolled his eyes, "See, that's the problem. I DON'T want to talk with him."

Ba'ek laughed at his conduct, "Then don't. Just let him do the talking."

"Easy for you to say," Jack muttered. He took one last big breath and then eyed the guards, "Okay ... let's go girls."

***

Jack was feeling uneasy. Hunsa had stood in front of him for an hour with a penetrating gaze; the man was trying to read his mind. Any attempt to make conversation had ended in vain, in other words, ignored. Well, you couldn't really say that 'Nice view you got here' or 'Yo, what's that?' were good initiation lines, but it was the effort that counted. 

"You're blocking your thoughts." Hunsa finally spoke.

Dryly, Jack replied, "Oh, and it took you what? An hour to figure it out?"

"Strong mind, strong spirit. I can see why Major Carter chose you."

"Hey, don't get me wrong. Flattery goes along with me. But cut the bull, what do you want?" He was getting irritated. It might of had something to do with having to stand up for a full one hour. 

Hunsa was deep in thought, "Yes, yes, it can work," he nodded his head. And then he turned his attention to Jack, "I can give you something that you cannot have."

"I want to go home, with Carter," came the obvious demand.

Hunsa raised his hand and put it right in front of him, "Look at the stone!" he ordered.

"Or what? You're going to force me?" Jack challenged him.

"Guards." At that command, the two guards behind him forced him to look at the stone. One hand roughly pulled his hair so that his head was tilted back, one was pining on his shoulder. The others forced his eyelids to open. He resisted, naturally, but his hands and ankles were already chained, so there were not much that he could do. And then he saw the blue stone.

"Colonel," he recognised it straight away as his Major's voice.

"Carter?" he asked, rather unsure of what to make of this. She was standing on his left side, their arms were barely touching.

She looked up to see him, "Hi, Sir."

Totally lost on what to say and think, he echoed her, "Hi."

She took his left arm and encircled it with both of hers, one of her hands entwined with his, "I want this," she whispered as she rested her forehead on his shoulder.

"Me too," he was telling the truth. His free hand had travelled to caress her blond hair.

She sighed, "But we can't."

"Yes, we can. We'll just have to wait for the time to come." He assured her.

She tilted up her head to meet his eyes, "I don't want to wait."

Jack leaned down a bit, his forehead was touching hers, "We don't have a choice."

"Yes, we have," there was hope that radiated from her.

"No, we don't." he said softly.

"Yes, if we stay here we won't have to wait," she reasoned.

"What do you mean?"

"If we stay in Cayan, there are no regulations, no Goa'uld, no restrictions. Here ... we don't have to wait."

He stared at the woman before him, "I should've known."

"Sir?"

He kissed the top of her head, "You're not her."

 to be continue

AN: I write this chapter because I need a break from studying ... I have exam to do this month. So pleaseee, make this poor soul happy and send feedbacks and reviews g. Thanks.


	16. Plan B

**Part 16: Plan B**

Hunsa was confused; the Earthlings had started to spark doubts inside his mind. Why were they so stubborn? He could give them everything they had ever wanted. They could have ended years of denial, repression, and restrain. All they had to do was accept his proposal.

No one had ever done that to him before, no one had denied him of his wishes, questioned his decisions, turned someone against him -- turning Ba'ek against him, he challenged his authority, requesting a Musya. Why did he do that? What made Major Carter and the Colonel worthy enough for Ba'ek to request such a thing? What did Ba'ek see in them?

The Colonel had tried to concentrate on something else when he searched within his head, repeating the same sentences over and over again -- his name followed by some numbers. Hunsa could not read him completely, that was why he did the Bliss. Hoping that offering him the one thing that he could not have could break his defences. It had worked for a moment, but then, like Major Carter, he refused. 

Refused to accept, refused to believe and by doing so -- refused their own happiness. 

They were fools. 

***

"Welcome back," Ba'ek said with a smile on his face as Jack was thrown ungraciously back into the holding cell. He landed on his back and grimaced a bit.

"It's good to be back," Jack was humouring his friend. He then get up on his feet, "It was weird back there," he brushed off some dirt from his sleeves, courtesy of his landing place.

"Weird?"

"Yeah, the illusion stuff that you told me about. It felt so real."

"Hunsa gave you the bliss?"

"Bliss, illusion, what's the difference?" the Colonel shrugged it off.

The Grand was curious, "Did you accept it?"

"Of course not. It's not the real deal."

"I see." Ba'ek had predicted it, Major Carter refused it after all, and Jack was her leader; it was only natural for him to react just the same. 

"So ... what are we going to do now?"

Ba'ek answered, "Come on, we are free to go." He walked towards the door and opened it, it was unlocked.

Jack raised his eyebrow, "We are? That's it?"

"Yes. Come." Ba'ek assured him.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, we have to prepare for the Musya."

"There's the word again. What is it exactly?"

***

Hiding.

It seems like all I have been doing for the last few days, since Jack came into my life. But I don't mind. It's not like I have a better option concerning this matter. I was informed about Ba'ek's plan, it will work, I have no doubt about it, but ...

Jack won't let him do that, for that I'm sure. 

But Ba'ek won't let Jack stop him either.

Damn, my head hurts. When did everything get so complicated? 

***

"Let me get this straight, a Musya is some kind of hearing?" Jack and Ba'ek were back at Ba'ek's house, making preparations for the Musya that was going to be held the day after.

"Yes, this is how we control our government and prevent absolute rule. If a Grand's leader made an error in judgment or abused his/her position to fulfil their own personal needs, they can be brought to trial by the request of another Grand. And acting as the Evaluator is one of our elders. He or she controls the proceeding of the Musya, but the decision lies in the hands of the Cayan population. At the end of the Musya, the Cayans will vote to decide whether he is guilty or not. The punishment will be decided by them too," the younger man explained.

"What are you going to accuse him of?"

Ba'ek paused for a moment, "I don't know ... yet."

Jack let out an exasperated groan, "B, seriously. How come you don't know? You requested the damn thing."

"I had to do it. I had to request the Musya before Hunsa stripped me of my status. I'll figure out something."

"Huh?"

"Hunsa was going to strip me of my Grand status, because I helped you escape. He has the power to do that, he is our leader after all."

Realisation started to dawn on Jack, and he grinned, "You beat him to it. Wow, that was something."

"Yes. I learn from you, Jack," the other man replied with his own smile, "Besides, we can take advantage of this situation."

Jack's eyebrows were raised, "How?"

Ba'ek poured him a drink and Jack gladly accepted the cup. He then continued, "From the moment I requested the Musya until the process is finished, Hunsa will be denied of all his Grand privileges. It is to ensure that he will not use his position to influence the outcome of the Musya."

Jack took a sip and nodded, "I see. How can we use that to our advantage then?"

"I'll be able to activate the Great Ring without any interference. You could go home."

Jack raised his cup, "Nice contingency plan you have here, B."

There was a glint of humor in the Grand's eyes, "I believe you called it Plan 'B', isn't it?"

Jack laughed out loud, at last, an alien with a sense of humor. He couldn't ask for more. After his laugh had died down, Jack looked up to the younger man once again, "Why didn't you suggest this in the first place?"

Ba'ek sighed, "There has not been a Musya for two generations, it is a sacred thing. I didn't want to do it unless I really had to. Informing your people about the weakness of your own leader is not exactly an honorable thing to do."

Suddenly Jack felt strange; his vision blurred and his consciousness started to drift away. Ba'ek's figure had doubled, and he tried to shake his head in order to focus his mind. The vision of the cup in his hand suddenly gave him the answer, and he stared at the Grand as he was slipping away, "You drugged me."

As Jack's body went limp, Ba'ek approached the man and gently laid him down on the floor. His eyes darkened as he whispered to his unconscious friend, "I'm sorry Jack, but I have to do this."

***

"Kisa," Ba'ek calls up as soon as he sees me.

"Ba'ek," I run to him and throw my arms around him, "Why did you do this?"

He holds me for a second longer and then he pushes me away, "Because it's the right thing to do."

I shake my head, "There is no need to go this far."

"Yes there is. I promised you, to get you home safely. Remember?" softly he reasons.

I'm fighting back a tear, "You know what will happen to you, don't you?"

"Kisa, it is still too good for me. After what I've done to you, I should suffer a lot more than that."

I can feel the moisture escape from my eyes, "You still can't forgive yourself," I accuse him.

He takes something out of his pocket and puts it in the palm of my hand, closing my fingers around it, "Give this to Jack, tell him that I'm so sorry, but I have to do this. For me, for you, for Jack and for Major Carter as well."

At the mention of Jack's name, I gaze to the figure lying next to the Great Ring. I believe Ba'ek has given him some kind of sedative, because I know for certain that if Jack had any idea on what Ba'ek is going to do he will not take it laying down. 

Ba'ek turns around and instructs some orders to the guards responsible for keeping an eye on the Ring. I make a move towards Jack and kneel down, inspecting him. It's not that I don't trust Ba'ek, I just need to make sure for myself, that he is alright.

_KAWOSH_

The Ring is activated, and the shimmering blue water puddle is inviting, teasing, luring. I can't wait to step through it. Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see Ba'ek using Jack's communication device, we saw him using it several times to communicate with my 'Dad'. Jack had told us about the 'iris', the barrier that prevents unwelcome travellers from reaching Earth. I guess Ba'ek is trying to inform Jack's people about our arrival so that we wouldn't go - borrowing Jack's terminology - 'splat'.

"KISA," I know that voice, that screaming and angry voice. I turn around to see Hunsa practically running towards us, there are several men following him.

Silently I sigh. It's time to face my demon.

Realising who is coming, Ba'ek approaches me and stands right in front of me, in a protective manner. When Hunsa finally reaches us, I put a hand on Ba'ek's shoulder, "Let me talk to him. I *need* to talk to him." He is confused at first, but then he stands aside.

Hunsa takes a moment to catch his breath before he speaks, "You can not go." 

An order. The one that I've become so familiar with. The one that sometimes I could not stand but I do it anyway. But not now. 

Now I'm stronger. 

"No," I say blatantly.

"You must," he is persistent. 

"Give me one good reason why," my challenge is out.

"Because I say so," his eyes command me as well as his words. 

"It's not good enough," I will not be defeated by him. 

He closes his eyes for several second before he opens them again, I know that it is his way of trying to control his frustration, "Don't you love me?"

He is right, I still love him, despite all the things that he has done to me, I still have feelings for him. But ... "I know you don't love me back."

"I do," he says. But there is no passion in his voice, no emotion in his eyes. Just a blank statement, empty words.

"You don't. I thought I could make you love me. All the years we've been together, I thought that my love would be enough for the two of us. But I guess it wasn't."

"What are you saying?"

I look at the man that is standing in front of me, the man that took my heart and broke it in pieces, and he didn't even realise it. "What I'm saying is ... I love you but I don't wanna be with you. When I'm with you, my heart flourishes but at the same time it cries. It cries because you never really see me, you never really have feelings for me. When I'm with you, I'm pulled in several different directions. I can't take it anymore," my eyes are wet, "You are the love that I have but never feel. Even though we are joined, never once in our time together did I feel loved. Never once did I feel wanted. And you know what the worst part is? I keep hoping that one day you will see, that I love you. I really do," I can feel the tear leaving tracks on my cheek.

Hunsa makes a move to wipe away the tear but I brush off his hand hastily. He sounds confused, "What is it that you really want?"

Oh God, he still hasn't figured it out, "I want you to love me for who I am. Not because I'm the most suitable candidate for your partner."

He doesn't say a thing, appears to be lost in his thoughts.

"Kisa," Ba'ek's voice. Quickly, I use my fingers to clean off my tears, and then I turn around and face him, "Yes?" I answer.

"It's time to go, they are ready for you," he informs me.

"She cannot leave Cayan," Hunsa's voice is demanding.

Ba'ek steps forward, "Yes, she can."

"We can not afford to risk the Tamen's secrets."

"She already knew it before she came here, or else she wouldn't of been able to fix it."

"I order you, she cannot be allowed to go though the Ring."

"You don't have the authority to do that, I requested a Musya, remember? All your privileges are not valid until the Musya is completed." 

"I knew this is the reason why you requested it," Hunsa says to Ba'ek through gritted teeth, "you know the punishment for this, don't you?"

Ba'ek smiles sadly, "I do and I know that I will not regret this. Guards, take Grand Hunsa back to the city."

"You are a fool. Tell me Ba'ek, are they worth it?" the guards are reluctant to do as they are ordered to, but the Cayan are just a simple society after all. The people see things almost in black and white. Right now, Ba'ek is a Grand and Hunsa is just a civilian.

"More than you'll ever know." Ba'ek states as the guards whisk the Grand's leader away.

"KISA, I'll do anything that you want. But please, don't go through the Ring," Hunsa shouts and pleads as the guards take him away from the Ring. They stop moving once they realise that all he wanted to do was just talk to me.

I watch the man, and memories come back through my mind, reminding me of our time together. A perfect life that I dreamt about and wished for, that I had. So perfect that I missed the most important fault in that life. I was so blinded with the illusion that I couldn't see the reality. I still love him, there is no doubt about it, but it doesn't mean that I want to go back to that life. "I'm sorry," I am choked, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, to turn around and deny the man I love, "but you can't give me what I really want." 

Hunsa's shoulders are slumped, but he isn't finished yet, "Yes, I can. I can love you back, if that is what it takes to keep you here, I'll learn to love you. Just show me how."

This is one of his qualities that I admired, he never gives up. "Then tell me the reason why you want to keep me here. Is it because the Tamen's secret that is locked inside my head? Or is it because that is what you really want?"

He is startled, he stops resisting against the guards. "For the people of Cayan," another quality of his, he doesn't tell a lie. 

I knew, but it still hurt to hear it straight from him. Like a knife is stabbed into my heart and then someone twisted it so that the pain is intensified. "Then I have to go."

"Tell me the reason why?"

Why?

Perfectly legitimate question. 

"Because I don't want to be like you. I don't want to ruin someone else's life just because I can." That is right. Major Carter deserves her life back, mine was over the moment they performed the 'Havus' on me. I turn away from him, facing Ba'ek who is smiling proudly, "I'm ready to go."

Ba'ek gives a signal with his hand and two guards lift and half-drag Jack's body, and then they push it gently though the portal. His figure slowly disappears, broken into millions of particles to be transported back to the other side. Ba'ek and I walk side by side to the Ring. Now, I'm just a step away from it.

"Come with us, Ba'ek. I know that Jack's people will welcome you," I invite him.

He chuckles softly, "I can't abandon my people. You know that."

"Yes, I know," how I wish I didn't now, so that I could push him through and not feel guilty afterwards. But he made his choice and I respect that.

This is it.

Strangely, I feel nervous, what does the Earth has in store for me? But I quickly dismiss that thought, I won't be there long. Instinctively, I clench my fist.

"KISA," Hunsa's voice once more. But I ignore him. Everything that I want to say has been said, there's nothing left for me here. None. All my life here is just a pretty dream with an empty meaning. 

A hand covers mine and squeezes it lightly, "Kisa," In contrast to Hunsa's urgent voice, Ba'ek's is caring. Momentarily, I face him. 

A look in his eyes makes me puzzled, the man standing next to me seems to be different from the friend that I know. His other hand moves up and touches my cheek. "Before you go, there's something that I want to tell you," his face is getting closer to mine. Automatically, I hold my breath, "I love you."

His eyes flutter shut and gently his lips brush mine. The sensation is so soft and warm. I am lost in the sweet and tender assault. 

He loves me? How is that possible?

Before I can say anything, a strong arm pushes me through the blue puddle. The sensation is incredible, it is cold, rough and dazzling. And as soon as the trip started, it ended. I find myself inside a big room, and there are people pointing their weapons at me. But I can't help myself to turn back and watch as the Ring is deactivated. The water puddle is disintegrating; disappearing into thin air as is my shock.

Ba'ek loves me?

Faintly, I can hear a voice from behind my back, "Major Carter, welcome home."

to be continued

AN: Yay, finally back to Earth. Like it? Hate it? Please do send reviews and feedbacks. g


	17. Life Worth Living

**Part 17: Life Worth Living**

I lay awake.

Just lay there and stay still. I don't want to think about what happened; it is over. However confused I am, no matter how intriguing it may sound, regardless of how happy it would make me, I don't want to think about it. Some people may think that it is cruel, cold-hearted and malicious, but I don't care. A man said that he loves me ... love ... an over-used word that can mean everything as easily as it can mean nothing. 

All my life I've been searching for that, not the word; but the affection, the attention, that particular something that can make me feel special, the things that make me realise that in one man's eyes I am his world and that his world would revolve around me. Me only. I always thought that if someone was capable of doing that, then I would be able to love him back. If someone could make me feel wanted, I believed I could reciprocate.

I was wrong.

And not for the first time, I may add. 

_Knock knock_

My head rises up a bit to look at the source of the noise, the door. 

_Knock knock_

I manage to sit up on the bed before I shout, "Come in."

The door opens.

"They told me that I would find you here," the man that has just entered the room approaches me and then seats himself right next to me.

His presence brings comfort despite the buzzing feeling, it must've been because of the symbiote that he has, "You must be her Father."

"Yes," I am greeted with a warm smile.

"Hi," I can't think of anything better to say.

He chuckles, "I guess I can understand why you asked for this room."

I am in one of the VIP rooms, they offered me her room, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. "It would feel wrong."

"Jack doesn't think so."

There's something in the mention of that man that makes me react, "Jack ... sometimes he saw me as her, sometimes I was just a stranger."

He pats my shoulder gently, "Don't worry about that Kiddo, he gets confused easily."

***

"Where's Jacob?" Jack asked to no one in particular. He was still in the infirmary, being subjected to Janet's and her nurses' TLC-- and has for the last 6 hours. Albeit, the first 4 hours were spent in his unconscious state, but it didn't change the fact that he was bored already. 

"General Carter is with Major Carter," Teal'c answered. He and Daniel had not left his friend's side since the Colonel had regained consciousness, eager to hear about his time in Cayan. Jacob had gated through an hour earlier after he received the news that his daughter was already safe back at Earth. He visited Jack first in the infirmary, wanting to know everything that had happened on the planet. 

"How is she?" he asked tentatively, he couldn't imagine what it must've been like for her. Daniel had informed him earlier about what Ba'ek had done, and Jack had a pretty good idea on what the Cayan Grand would face for his assistance in their escape. He liked the younger man, and he knew that Carter - and therefore Kisa - liked him too.

Daniel wiped his glasses, "She's a bit zoned out."

"Zoned out?"

"Yeah, she asked to be left alone. I couldn't talk to her; I don't want to make her more upset than she already is. I'll try again later on though."

"Upset?"

"Major Carter appeared to experience a traumatic event," Teal'c reply came out solemnly.

Jack stared at the ceiling, she did go through a lot. And he did not do his best to make things easier for her, either. "Doc," he greeted when he saw Janet enter the infirmary, "are you finished with me now?" Jack couldn't wait to get away from the room, the infirmary was not one of his favorite places in the SCG.

Smiling at his antic behaviour, Janet replied, "Well, I think the sedative that the Cayan gave to you doesn't have any side effects, but I want to keep you on the base for the next 24 hours. Just to be on the safe side."

"Great," Jack then hopped off the bed and headed towards his quarters to get changed, he was still wearing the clothes from Cayan. Before he was completely out of the infirmary, Janet called for him, "Sir ..."

He turned around to face her, "Yeah?"

She fished something out from her pocket, it was a small black box, "When I examined her, Sam gave me this. She said that Ba'ek wanted you to have it."

Jack took the box from her hand and stared at the object for a while. He knew what it was, Ba'ek had showed him once.

"What's that?" Daniel was, as always, curious of anything. Meanwhile, Teal'c didn't say anything, although Jack knew for sure that he was as fascinated as Daniel, the difference was that the big Jaffa never showed it publicly.

"It's something similar to our tape recorder."

"Perhaps Grand Ba'ek had something personal to inform you, O'Neill," Jack smiled at Teal'c's tendency to point out the obvious.

"I guess you're right. Listen, I'll be in my quarters if someone is looking for me," Jack informed his team members. 

"Don't forget that the General scheduled a debriefing at 08.00 tomorrow, Jack," Daniel reminded him.

He nodded silently and left the infirmary. Once he was out of sight, Daniel sighed.

"Is there something troubling you, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c turned his attention to the archaeologist. 

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, "I just hope everything will turn out alright Teal'c. That Sam's memory will come back and she'll be the person that we once knew."

Janet couldn't help but ask, "What do you mean Daniel?"

"I ... I ..." Daniel stammered, and then shook his head, "I don't mean anything by that. Just forget that I said that Janet."

Janet and Teal'c exchanged a worried glance, and they realised that even though they managed to get home, it was not over yet.

"We'll be there for her Daniel, no matter what happens," Janet touched his arm in an attempt to reassure him, and in some ways, herself.

"Indeed."

***

Jack was feeling refreshed, the hot shower and the change of clothes had relaxed his tired mind. He was drying his hair with a towel when he caught a glance of the black box on the table. He couldn't remember the name of that device even if his life depended on it. But he knew what it did.

He threw the towel in the direction of the growing pile of his dirty clothes and seated himself on a chair. He played with the box for a while. Finally, he activated the recording by running his fingers on one of the sides, just as the Grand once showed him.

~*~

_Hi Jack._

_First of all I must say that I'm sorry for doing this, but I have no *better* choice. I know how far you would go to make sure that both of you go back home safely and I couldn't allow that. Kisa will tell you what will happen to me, but you're smart, I'm sure that you have already figured it out by yourself. So I'll make it quick._

_Please, don't think of me as one of your failures. Don't think of me as one of your mistakes. Because if you do, then I failed myself because I can't make you see that I would do anything to help you. Just as you would have if you were in my position._

_I've only known you for a little over seven planet cycles, but you changed me a lot. You would sacrifice yourself to get people that you care about to safety. No matter what the cost. That is what I'm trying to do. Besides, it was my fault that all of this occurred. _

_When I first sensed you, I envied you, you know that? Because your ... feelings for her are so strong, so committed, that it terrified me. How can a man have such capacity to do that? But then you showed me how to do just that. To love someone. You taught me how to be a better person, how to be a better leader, how to appreciate life, how to make a decision and stick to it, and most importantly, you taught me how to stand on my own feet._

_Thank you. For being my friend._

~*~

The box was long abandoned. He had heard what he needed to hear. A friend, his friend, and most importantly a good man's life was forfeit, and for what? A rule that was made a thousand years ago, a rule that could easily be altered if the people who held it did not linger in their ancient traditions and pride. Didn't they realise that time changes everything? His anger surfaced. He needed to fend it off, it wasn't healthy to keep it bottled up inside. So he headed out for the gym.

***

_Knock knock_

My head rises at the sound again. I don't want to answer it, but I need to do something, I have to be occupied, so that I don't have time to think. Reluctantly, I walk to the door and open it. Standing in front of me are Daniel and Teal'c, my other team mates. They introduced themselves back in the 'infirmary', but I wasn't in the mood for conversation.

"Ah ... may we come in?" Daniel asks carefully, as if he was afraid to bother me.

"Please," I stand aside and let them in before I close the door again. 

I can see that Daniel is nervous, and there is a warm and gentle aura around him that makes me want to smile. Meanwhile, Teal'c is a picture of calm, his hands are behind his back; although I have the similar buzzing feeling that I get when I near the naquada, he makes me feel safe.

"What can I do for you?" I walk to my bed and sit on the edge while they just stand in front of me.

Daniel clears his throat, "We're here to tell you that if you need something or anything, just let us know."

"Thanks, but I'm afraid right now there's nothing that you can do for me," I assure them.

"Very well Major Carter," Teal'c answers me.

"Ah, that reminds me of something. I do have a favour to ask from you."

"Name it," Daniel is enthusiastic.

Smiling sadly, I tell them, "Please call me Kisa until Major Carter's memory comes back."

"But ..." Daniel starts to protest, but I am quick to cut him off, "Please, don't make it more difficult as it already is," I pause, "you only have to do it for the next two days."

"Until the time Major Carter's memory resurfaces?" the bigger man asks me with tenderness that touches my heart. 

"Yes."

"Then we will do so," he promises. Daniel is about to say something when Teal'c puts his hand on his shoulder. Somehow, I expected that to happen, that Daniel would show a bit of resistance to my request and Teal'c would be the one who would convince him. Those are the people that *she* knew, the friends that *she* had. 

I made the right choice.

***

Jacob found him in the gym almost two hours later, still haven't given the punching bag its rest. He eyed the man from afar, there was no one else in the gym. It was almost midnight, and the only sound inside the gym was Jack's gloves meeting its target. 

He's angry, *very* angry, Selmac observed.

Yes, he is, Jacob agreed. He leaned against the wall and waited.

What are you waiting for? his companion asked.

Mentally, Jacob gestured towards Jack, For him to calm down.

Five minutes passed in silence, and Selmac was getting impatient, How long do we have to wait?

As long as is necessary, her host answered blatantly.

You really like this man, don't you? there was slight accusation in the Tok'ra's tone.

I can't help it. He saved my daughter's life more than once, Jacob tried to shrug it off.

But his other self didn't believe him, Jacob, don't lie to me.

Jacon was still watching Jack beating the bag with the same force as he had when he first saw him. He admired the other man's stamina, or maybe it was his fury that drove his body, but there was sadness in the way he moved.

Jacob, his symbiote called him once again.

Jacob apologised inwardly for his lack of attention, You see that man? He might have a faulty mouth and bad manners. But he's a damn good friend. He'll be there if you ask him to. He even went to Hell, literally, if I may add, for me. I just want to be the kind of friend he is for me.

Selmac wondered at her host's words. The Tauri were definitely different from the Tok'ra. Both kinds were loyal, but while the Tok'ra were loyal to their community as a whole, the Tauri were loyal to each individual even more, creating a strong bond. Something that the Tok'ra could learn from their ally. But it woudn't be that easy. 

The Tok'ra way of life could not allow it as it might interfere with their mission. It was alright to sacrifice one Tok'ra life to archive their goal to increase the possibility of succession; meanwhile the Tauri would not let that happen unless there was absolutely no other choice. They take chances, chances that sadly the Tok'ra did not have the luxury to have.

We could always try to start making chances, Jacob reminded her gently.

She sent him a smile, We could.

"ARGH ..." there was a cry from Jack, he had sent his final blow. And then Jacob watched his body slump onto the floor and stay there.

Are we going to approach him now? Selmac was curious.

Give him a moment to get his breath back.

You're the boss.

***

"Hi Jack."

Jack opened his eyes to see Jacob staring down at him. He was on his back on the gym's floor.

"Jacob," he then pushed himself up to a sitting position. Jacob joined him on the floor a few seconds later. 

"How are you?" Jack could hear the concern from his voice. And strangely, it didn't bother him. 

"To tell you the truth, I don't know," he started to pull off the red boxing gloves from his hands.

"Want to talk about it?" the offer was generous, but he couldn't accept it.

Jack put the gloves away, took his towel and started to rub his sweaty face and body with it, "I don't know what to talk about."

"Then can I ask you a favour?"

"Sure."

"Talk to Kisa."

Jack shot the older man a look, "Are you saying that she really isn't your daughter?" He had his own share of doubt. Carter hadn't acted like herself since the memory stamp, but sometimes she was like her old self. 

Jacob fixed his eyes on the punching bag, "I don't know Jack. But she asked me to call her Kisa and I respect her wish."

"Damn," the curse couldn't come out at a better time.

A hand patted Jack's back, "She needs someone to talk to. From what she told me, she was as close as you to that guy."

Jack stared at him, so Jacob knew. He told Daniel and Teal'c about Ba'ek, but not in great detail, he thought that it was better to wait until the debriefing. When he was collected and ready. "I'll do that."

"Jack."

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"What for?"

"Bringing her back."

***

The silence is nice. He was never good with words, I know that. That's why his presence is as comforting as it is. Jack came around 30 minutes ago and other than exchanging 'hi' greetings, we haven't talked about anything else. We just sat on the bed. 

Mourning.

For Ba'ek. Our friend that deserves so much more than this. There is nobody to put in a coffin; no flowers to be put on his grave; no mention of his courage, love and kindness; no ceremony to remind us about his life; and no tears to shed. But somehow we - Jack and I - know that this is what he wants more than the things I just mentioned. Two friends that he gave his life for to mourn for him. To let him know that he is missed and our life would never be the same without him.

Memories unfolded in my mind. The first time I met him was when I was just an assistant to the previous Tamen's keeper and he was a new Grand. He was so curious like a little boy, everything new would excite him endlessly and I found myself drawn to him. Our friendship was the one thing that I treasure a lot in my life, his opinions were important to me, his compliments were essential. 

I still remember clearly when I was ill a few years back, before my joining, it was nothing serious, but the fever kept me from leaving my bed. He was at my bedside all the time, caring, nursing me back to health. His sweet and tender affection brought so much joy to my life. I loved him as my protector, my brother, my only family, and in some strange twist of fate ... my everything. That was why I was so devastated when I knew about the 'Havus'. I couldn't understand how he could do that to me. I don't even think that I would of reacted so strongly if it was only Hunsa. In some ways I trust him more that I trust Hunsa. But I don't love him as a man, never did and never would.

Not even after he told me that he loved me. 

"Hey, you're crying," Jack's voice brings me out of my train of thought. 

"Can't help it," I tell him truthfully, not making any move to wipe it.

"It's okay to cry, come here," I find myself safely in his embrace, wrapped in strong and soothing arms. 

And I cry and cry. To let Ba'ek know that I care about him, even though it is not in the way that he cares about me.

---

"I heard that you want to be called Kisa," Jack states absent-mindedly, but I know that it is just a facade.

"That's who I am," I had stopped crying. I feel so tired, I had never realised that crying took so much energy.

Jack doesn't say anything, I guess he still believes that I am his Major Carter. "Personally, I don't know who I am anymore. But it's better this way. Less confusion," I try to explain it to him. 

"Oh ..." that is all he says. 

"And I want to make the best of what I have left."

"Huh?" his eyebrows are drawn closer, accompanies by a puzzled expression.

"Two more days before my memory fades. I want to make the best of it. So ... I'm not going to think about who I really am or what could have been if I did this or did that. I just want to live those days to be me. No confusion, no decisions, no regrets. I just want to be me. Just me."

Jack closes his eyes and sighs, "I understand."

"Thank you."

---

Daniel and Teal'c are really sweet; they helped me in anyway they could. Jacob - as I couldn't bring myself to call him Dad - and General Hammond were also very helpful, they took me to a nice restaurant on my first day. They told me stories about their families and friends, showing me some parts of Colorado Springs that are beautiful. And Jack, well, Jack never left my side, really. He was making sure that I was taken care of.

And on the second day, we had a picnic in one of the parks not far from the base. The commissary's cook had supplied us with a *lot* of food. Almost all the SGC's personnel who were off-duty on that day came and shared their day with me. It touched me, on how they really cared about me. Jack told me that they only came for the food, which I knew wasn't true. I acknowledged in the back of my mind that they did it for Major Carter, but it was still nice.

Two days of me. I don't see it as a luxury nor an aridity. I don't see it as a gift nor a punishment. 

Two days of me. It's all I wanted and I have it.

Janet had insisted that I should be in the infirmary when the memory was due back, she said that the experience could be traumatic and no one argued with her assessment. That is why I'm laying on one of the beds now. She has connected me to every machine available in the infirmary. We can not be too sure, she said, and no one dared to say otherwise. She can be so scary if she wants to be.

I take a look at the people around my bed.

Janet, Jacob, General Hammond, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c. They are here for her. 

I cast a last glance at Jack. At least he is here for me. As a friend and nothing more. I can live with that. As Ba'ek had.

I can feel my head spinning; I know that the time is drawing near. 

I lived my life. 

Now it's her time to live hers.

TBC

AN: As I told my beta-reader, one more part to go ... YAY. Thanks for all of you who had been so patient with this. Please do send reviews and feedbacks.

blue-topaz@lycos.com

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/


	18. End of A Dream

**Part 18: End of A Dream**

Sounds.

Familiar sounds.

Beeping sounds, faint and rhythmical, which means I'm in the infirmary. I wonder what kind of incident has struck me this time. I've woken up in the infirmary countless times and have been clueless as to what had caused it. I guess I can add this one to my ever-growing list.

I open my eyes slowly, my head is pounding. It is painful but I can handle it.

"Carter," the Colonel's voice. I look up to him, he looks tired and lost. Something has happened to him, something big.

"Sir," I try to get into a sitting position. Oops, bad idea. My head is getting hammered big time. I close my eyes and raise my hand to massage my temple.

"Doc, she's conscious," I can hear him informing Janet, and then his hand is on my shoulder while the other is on my back, gently he guides me back to the bed, "Don't push yourself Carter, lay down." I'm more than happy to follow his order this time.

Footsteps, Janet's. Rapid and hurried.

"Sam, how are you feeling?" the petite doctor asks. I open my eyes to see that she is ready with her penlight, "Let's see." She shines it into my eyes, ouch, that hurts. I close my eyes again.

"Janet, I have a big headache, would you mind NOT doing that to my eyes, it doesn't help," I try to brush her penlight away.

"Well, considering what you've been through, that's a normal condition. Your eyes are also oversensitive to light ... I expected that. Any other thing that I should know about?" 

"Let see, headache, check. Hypersensitive eyes, check. Big headache, check. And I think that about covers it all," I mutter. 

There's a sigh of relief coming from the Colonel, "Glad to have you back, Carter."

"Did I go somewhere?" What is he talking about? Damn, this headache isn't getting any lighter.

He squeezes my hand, "Nothing to worry about. Try to get some rest."

"Can I have something for my headache Janet?" 

"Sure. And like the Colonel said, try to get some rest."

"'Kay." And with that, I fade away.

---

When I wake up again, I see a lot of activity around me. They are talking, aloud. Thank God my headache has gone down a little, I guess Janet's miracle drugs have finally kicked in.

"Now, what's everybody doing here?" I ask while I attempt to open my eyes.

"Sammie, are you alright?" Dad sounds so worried.

"I'm alright Dad," I assure him. Wait a minute, Dad's here? "What are you doing here, Dad? Not that I mind having you here."

"Sam, you're awake," Daniel's voice, I look around to see where he is.

"I am glad to see you again, Major Carter," Teal'c, he is standing right next to Daniel, on my left.

"Do you remember what has happened to you?" General Hammond, I turn my head to the right to see him next to Dad. Concern is written all over his face.

I struggle to search inside my brain, trying my best to recollect the past events, "SG-1 and SG-7 went to P9Y T81, informed the locals about our intention, and then because Daniel wanted to study more about the Abel's chamber, I requested to prolong our stay there. And then ... they captured me, asking me to fix their planet's barrier. They separated me from Daniel and Teal'c. They did something to me, I can remember what, but they did something to me." 

The images stop there, but there's something more. I just can't recall it.

"Are you sure that's all you remember, Carter?" The Colonel's voice, he's standing right in front of me, right at the end of my bed. His eyes meet mine.

I flutter my eyes closed again, attempting to drive the pain away from my head, "There's something else. A dream, a strange dream. I was someone else."

And then everything just clicks into place. "It wasn't a dream, was it?" the question came out even before I could comprehend the whole thing.

No one answers, so I know that it was the truth.

---

Violated doesn't cover what I am feeling right now. Someone did it again, took my life away from me, toyed with it as if it was a cheap thing, ripped it apart like it didn't mean anything, and played with it as if it were nothing. The pain in my head has not completely gone, but the memory -- Kisa's memory starts to flood my brain slowly. Thankfully, it was different from Jolinar's. That's the only good thing that came from all of this.

Kisa's is less violent and less vivid. No death, no blood, no dark secrets. Unlike Jolinar's, I never had a nightmare with Kisa's. Her memory is just a normal one. She isn't a warrior after all, just an ordinary woman with an ordinary life. She didn't deserve this any more than I did, we are both victims. Strangely, I found myself relating to her, as a woman. A woman in love. If I knew her in a different situation, we'd be in the café right now, having a girl talk about everything.

We both fell for a man. At least the Colonel harbours the same feelings as I do, even though we are not together. On the contrary, she had the relationship but never the feelings. That's why there were so many holes in her life, hollowness that she couldn't fulfil. As for me, even though I couldn't tell him what I felt openly, I'm content with what we have. A friendship to share and a promise to keep. It's all that we can have now, and it is more than enough for now.

I guess I'm the lucky one.

Janet had cleared me from the infirmary and General Hammond had given me a week downtime. Dad had been called away by the Tok'ra, some urgent matter that needed to be taken care of. But he promised me to visit as soon as possible. Janet and Cassie visited me every day. My team-members had been great, they came to basically live with me in my house after I was allowed to leave the base. Their excuse was that they missed me, I've been gone for more than a month after all. I couldn't turn them down, so my house has been transformed into a refuge camp. I only had one guest room, and they took turns taking that room. The sofa and a sleeping bag on the living room floor are their alternative resting places. We are SG-1, the flagship team of the SGC, the close-knit team that has gone through a lot as whole. We're the best, in battle, in intelligence, in making friends as well as enemies, and in guilt. But we live with it. 

If they did this sleeping-over-because-we-missed-you a few years back, I would've thrown my door right in their faces. But now? Now I know better than to turn down the help that I need; I grumbled for sure, but then I let them in. I need them to stay sane as much as they need me to overcome their remorse. We didn't talk about it plainly as a group though, we just keep each other company and let the realisation sink in -- we're back together, for better or for worse. Man, it sounds like I am married to these guys. But I don't mind, really. Because with friends like that, I've survived worse. Fighting and arguing over what movie to watch, what take-out to order, who's going to have the bathroom first (not me -- I have an en-suite bathroom), who has to wash the dishes (not me -- I am the host), who has control over the TV remote ... normal things that I've been taking for granted are the things that have saved me. 

Even though they are in my house 24-7, they never invade my personal space. My room is off-limits unless I invite them in. If I ever need to be alone, all I have to do is stay in there. They will check on me, of course, but they never press. It's nice, to know that someone cares about me, makes me feel less alone. 

"Sam," Daniel is standing right in front of me.

"Oh, hi Daniel, take a seat," I motion at the spot on the grass next to me. I've been sitting in my backyard, looking at the night sky after dinner (it was pizza as the Colonel had won the rock-scissors-paper today). And the boys, bless them, had left me alone. 

"What are you doing here?" he asks while he makes himself comfortable.

"Thinking."

"About what?" 

I turn around and smile at him, "About you guys, actually."

He smiles back, "Really, nothing bad, I hope."

I chuckle at that, "Daniel, listen to yourself, you guys sleep, eat, breathe, shower, watch TV and argue in my house, almost tear it apart. Why would I have something bad to think about you three?"

He puts his arm around me and draws me to his side, prompting me to rest my head on his shoulder, "Glad to have you back, Sam. I missed you."

I look at nothing in particular in my neighbour's yard, "That's the funny thing, Daniel. I never felt like I've been gone."

I don't have my eyes on him, but I know that he's looking at me in confusion, "What do you mean?"

I take a deep breath, "It's like I've been dreaming. A very long dream. But ..."

"It wasn't a dream," Daniel finishes my sentence.

I draw one of my knees to my chest and hug it, "When I realise that it was real, I feel anger. But I don't know who to throw it to."

"You think too much."

I roll my eyes, "Like I never heard that before."

It's his turn to chuckle, "What I mean is ... just put all of this behind. Forget about it, it's all in the past," he tightens his hold on me, "What's important now is that you're here. With us. Don't beat yourself up over this." 

"It's not that easy, Daniel."

"That is not what's really bothering you, is it?"

There's no point in lying to Daniel, he sees right through me, "No."

"She's not you, Sam. And you're not her. Just leave it like that, OK?"

And as easy as that, he took the words right out of my mouth, "How can you be so sure, Daniel? Even the Colonel is not that sure."

"Because the Sam I knew is more stubborn than the woman who spent her last two days on Earth trying to stop thinking about her past. The Sam I knew would linger on whatever dilemma that she had and sulk until she found a satisfying resolution," I could've sworn that Daniel let out a wicked smile.

"I don't sulk, thank you very much," and just to make my point across, I pull away from his embrace.

He laughs openly at that, "Sorry, but you get my drift right? You can learn from her, you know. To forget and move on."

Forget and move on. That sounds tempting, doesn't it?

"I'll leave you alone to think some more," Daniel rises to his feet and disappeares back into my house after he gave me a reassuring squeeze on my arm.

Think. I'm tired of that, yet I can't stop doing it. It's what I do, it's what I am, a scientist who thinks a lot. And the Colonel never stops reminding me of that fact.

"Major Carter," I look up to see Teal'c this time. Looks like they are taking turns to talk to me one-on-one. Poor Daniel, he must've drawn the short straw.

"Hi Teal'c, have a seat," I gesture at the spot where Daniel sat earlier.

"You are troubled," he states after he is seated.

It's that obvious huh? "Yes, Teal'c."

"Perhaps I can be of assistance," the stoic Jaffa offers his help, and how can I refuse that?

"Teal'c, do you see Kisa as me?"

He looks at me intently, "Although she was in your body, she is not you, Major Carter."

"Thanks, Teal'c," I give him a big smile in appreciation.

"Major Carter, why do you concern yourself with such a trivial matter?"

That's right, why do I? It's not like it's a big deal. Why does it bother me so much? More than having more than a month of my life snatched away from me? Oh God, who am I kidding? I always know the answers to those questions, "Because the Colonel saw her as me." There, it's out. It's not hard, is it? To get the truth out, I even feel a little bit better. I know I can trust Teal'c.

Teal'c only raises one of his eyebrows, "O'Neill's opinion is very important to you, is it not?"

"Yes, it is," I nod slowly.

"Then you should address the question to him," Teal'c has always had the simplest and most obvious solution to any problem. I envy him sometimes, he can be so straight-forward with anything. Unlike us, the 'Tauri', who run around in circles, confusing ourselves to no end when the answer is right under our noses. We, no ... I need to stop running away.

I put my hand on his arm and smile, "I will Teal'c. Thanks for your help."

He bows his head slightly, in his own way of saying 'you're welcome', "Do you wish me to send him for you, Major Carter?"

I have to laugh at that, oh yeah, they definitely were planning this. The three-meal-course of cheering-Sam-Carter-up. Daniel is the 'starter', he asks questions and sends a little direction here and there. Teal'c is the 'main course', he points out where my problem is exactly and tells me to deal with it point blank. I can't wait for the 'desert'. Tealc looks at me in confusion, "It was not intended to be a joke."

I bit my lip and hold the urge to continue my laughter to humor him. I know that Teal'c had developed quite a sense of humor, courtesy of hanging around the Colonel too much, "My apology, Teal'c."

The small smile on his face is precious, "I will summon O'Neill for you."

And four minutes later, the Colonel replaces Teal'c, sitting right next to me. The summer air is warm and gentle, the sky is dusted with millions of stars. I wonder how many of those stars we have visited. 

"Teal'c said that you have something that you wanted to ask me," he casually starts up the conversation.

Do I dare ask the question of him? Because to tell you the truth, I'm afraid to hear the answer. Would it be better if I just swept it under the carpet and left it there to rot? Just forget and move on, like Daniel suggested. But then, it would not have been me, would it? I don't want to lose myself, I lost enough already, "Do you think that she is me?" 

I don't look at him, because my courage has run out. It's easier this way, just to sense that he's right next to me and watch something else instead. He sighs, "I don't know. She acts just like you. She has your eyes. She looks at me just like you do. She talks like you. She ..." he never finishes the sentence, "How much do you remember?"

I remember everything, every friend that she had, every detail of her life, every corner of her mind, "Pretty much everything."

"I see."

We lapse into a comfortable silence. I'm still waiting for his answer. I know that he needs time to think it through; it's been hard for him as it has for me. I had not realised that he had moved from his position. Suddenly, I can feel his body from behind my back, and before I know it, his arms have already encircled my neck, his forehead rests on the back of my head, and both his thighs are at my sides, trapping me in my position. I tense for a moment before I relax into his embrace. 

"When I first saw her, I wished that she was you ... because I was afraid. I was afraid that if she wasn't, then you were gone," his voice is quiet, but I can hear every single word clearly, "I meant what I said Carter. I'd rather die myself than lose you." I close my eyes and shiver as he says those words again. I reach his arms and lower them to my stomach and lay my own arms on his, to reassure him that my feelings have not changed. He continues, "Then she started acting differently, reacting differently ... but I kept fooling myself. Over and over again." He draws me closer, "And because of that, I hurt her feelings ...but I couldn't help it. She was so you ... but she was not."

His words should've confused me, but they didn't, "You're still unsure, aren't you?" I ask him softly.

His head moves and then his chin rests on my shoulder, "Yeah."

"Daniel and Teal'c are pretty confidant that she's not me," I tell him.

"They didn't spend as much time with her as I did," he reasons, "after she was back on Earth, she was completely changed. I guess it had something to do with Ba'ek ..."

Ba'ek, oh yes, him. "I left him behind." This was one of the most disturbing things that had troubled me. If she was me, then I could've plotted another way to escape from Cayan, but I didn't. I could've talked him out of it, but I didn't. I could've pushed him through the Stargate easily, but I didn't. I did the things that the Colonel could not tolerate, leaving someone behind.

"Excuse me?" there is incredulity in the Colonel's voice, his way of saying 'yeah, right'.

I look down to where our arms are, "Kisa would never of left her partner, and she wouldn't of said yes when you asked her to go with you. She would of stayed behind on Cayan when Hunsa asked her to. And she would not have agreed to go along with Ba'ek's plan."

He turns his head slightly so that his face is just buried in the nape of my neck. God, that feels so good. That makes me forget about everything, just about. "Do you really believe that?" he whispers.

Do I? "I don't know."

"If she was you, then she would not have cried so easily in front of me, she would not have asked *that* question as you would never put me in that difficult position, she would not have given up. If she was you, then why am I feeling like she was missing something? Why am I feeling so glad that you have your memory back?" I have no answer for that as the stroke of his hands on my sides eases some of my guilt away.

"Who was she then?" I wonder aloud.

"I don't know. But I'm glad that she was what she was. Because of her, you are here now."

Maybe Daniel is right. What's important is that I am here, with the people that I love. Maybe it's time to put everything behind me and move on. "Thank you ... for bringing me home."

I can feel his lips twitch to form a smile, "My pleasure."

I snuggle back into him, enjoying the rare pleasure of being in his arms. Because I know, when tomorrow comes, I have to wait for a considerable amount of time to have this opportunity again. The leisure that I won't forget for the rest of my time.

"I'm retiring," He's retiring ... wait a minute. What did he just say? I bolt out from him and turn around as soon as the words came out, almost knocking him down in the process.

"You're WHAT?" I almost scream there. If I were a Goa'uld, I bet my eyes would be flashing right now.

He straightens up his position, "I said I'm retiring. I'll hand in my resigning letter tomorrow to Hammond. You'll be the next SG-1 leader, by the way."

"NO," this is not happening. This can't be happening.

"No?" his face is a mixture between amusement and disbelief. There is a hint of disappointment as well.

"Over my dead body," I tell him more firmly this time. 

His eyebrows jump up, oops, that phrase came out wrong, didn't it? "Sorry, bad example. I mean ... why? How? WHY?"

If he laughs any louder than he already is now, I swear I will smack him upside the head, superior officer or not. I stare at him long enough to make him stop, and then without warning, he spells it out, "Because I want you."

"I ..." whatever reason I have ready, it dies on my lips. His words caught me off-guard, big time. Oh wow, that was so ... right ... and great ... and nice ... and right. Okay, I'm stalling now. My brain has frozen right away. I can't think at all, but I can feel ... wondrous and amazing and incredible and wondrous, did I mention wondrous?

But sadly, I can't accept this. No matter how good it does feel. I stare at him straight in the eyes and sigh, I have to make him understand, "You know the Bliss?"

"The illusion thingy?"

"Yeah."

"What about it?"

So, he knows. "They offered me this. A chance for us to be together, but I refused it," when he said that he was tired, I had to agree. I am tired too, of waiting for 'us' to happen. But I know that the waiting will be worthwhile, because there's something that needs to be done, "Like I have to refuse yours now," 

There is pain in his eyes, God, I hate it when he looks at me that way, "What are you saying?"

Here goes nothing, "Even though Sam really wants Jack right now, Major Carter is not ready to lose Colonel O'Neill right now," that's right. If I am to become the SG-1 leader, I have to be ready.

The pain is replaced by confusion now, "Why not?"

"Because Colonel O'Neill is a great leader and the Major has big shoes to fill when he's gone. She's not prepared for that yet."

"Colonel O'Neill thinks that the Major is ready," he insists.

"Well, the Major thinks that the Colonel still hasn't taught her everything that he knows," he never deliberately prepared me for this position. The position that holds so much responsibility.

He is taken aback, and with an unsure voice he asks, "He hasn't?" 

"No. Daniel and Teal'c's lives will depend on her decisions," I don't want to put their lives in unnecessary danger, "Colonel O'Neill has made some difficult decisions in the past, some that I know that the Major could and would not make." The Colonel had his own way of keeping us safe for all these years. Having him around makes me safe, and I don't think I am capable of eliciting the same effect from my team, "She needs to learn about that first, to make tough calls and stick with them. No matter what the repercussions are." 

He takes my words to heart, "Damn." His shoulders slump slightly, acknowledging that I have a valid point. His hand comes up to tousle his hair. 

I hate it when he's like this, unlike the man that I know at all. I have to do something, so I swallow a nervous gulp. Come on girl, you can do it. Let the man know that you appreciate his offer, "That's why Sam and Major Carter can make a deal."

His head lifts up slowly, his eyes searching for something in mine, "Really?" there is hope in the way he asks.

This is it, no going back after this, "Yes. Major Carter can have Colonel O'Neill prepare her until she's ready."

Yup, there's definitely a smirk on his face, "And what does Sam get?"

"She gets to fish with Jack every time he asks her," the smirk transforms into a full-fledged grin, "providing Major Carter doesn't have anything to do in her lab," and then the big grin disappears. Well, I can't let him have all the fun, can I? I present him with my most innocent face. It's nice to know that I actually have him wrapped around my little fingers.

The smile reappears on his face, "Very tempting. Don't Jack and Colonel O'Neill have a say in this matter?"

I love that smile, the one that he has every time he is in a good mood, a *very* good mood, "Of course they do. So ... what do they say?" 

His hand is stroking his chin now, feigning a thinking pose, "Hmm, what do they say ..." and then the hand moves to scratch his head, "this is a very hard decision. Let me think about it for a moment, will ya."

I can only smile at his behaviour. He can have all of my time; he has me wrapped around his little fingers too, not that I mind. I watch him with my eyes as he's doing the same thing. Even when he's not doing anything, he is very 'enjoyable' to look at. There's a faint scar on his left eyebrow, he has told us so many stories about how he got it. Some are not as credible as the others. There's a dimple on his cheeks when he smiles. There's a ...

"You have a deal," I would've kissed him right now if he wasn't my CO. Hold that thought girl, you can do that as much and often as you like when this is over. I'm really grateful for his understanding, "Thanks."

And then he turns confident, *very* confident, too much cheerfulness to my liking, "Major Carter knows that the Colonel will put her through Hell, doesn't she? The training boot camp will look like a boy scout camping trip compared to what he has in store for her."

I cringe inwardly, although I wouldn't expect less from him, "Major Carter thinks that the outcome is worth the agony."

"If you say so." I really don't like the way he looks at me right now. He's undeniably planning a lot of harder, more difficult, and crueller ways to 'prepare' me when he can do it in a much more simpler way. He is an intelligent man, too bad he doesn't want to use it to his full potential. Shame, really. But that's okay, because it makes him the man he is now.

I know I'm supposed to let the conversation end here, but there's something about him that always makes me do something a little bit extreme, "Hey," I call him.

"Yeah?" 

I pursed my lips deliberately, "I know that I said that I want to wait, but ..." and left my sentence unfinished to bait him.

"But what?" Gotcha. 

"Can I have a sneak preview of your white dove tattoo?"

**Finish**

AN: The white dove tattoo is mentioned in Part 4. Finally, I've finished this story, but I think the sequel is on its way (just give me some time to plot the story) ... Tell me what you think about it. Thanks for all the supports that all of you have given to me throughout this story, especially to my beta-reader JayBee Bug. Also for all of you who had sent your reviews and feedback. Keep them coming ... :)

Blue-topaz@lycos.com

http://fly.to/bluetopazfic/


End file.
